Time to Grow Up

Tuesday 21 March, 2000

Last night I went out with two friends. As we chatted it was clear to me how childish I appear to myself when compared with my (younger!) friends. It saddens me and I do not understand why I am so immature. I know how adults behave but I do not seem capable. I’m 31 – it’s about time I grew up.

It’s clearly part of my survival plan to act like a fucking child for the rest of my life. Well, I’ve had enough. Women want to mother me and I’ve clearly set things up for that to happen – but I have to do something about it. It can’t continue like this. I need a new survival plan.

It hurts being on my own and it hurts to think of me being alone in the future. However, I need to stand on my own two feet. It’s not just a case of feeding myself and looking after myself (which I can do); it’s the emotional aspect that lets me down every time. I don’t seem to be strong enough emotionally to be independent.

I’m soft and vulnerable – that’s how women see me. That’s why they want to mother me. Well, it has to stop. And that’s why I must go through this hurt and this pain I’m feeling. I need to change my life’s pattern and that can’t be easy. But it is possible.

This is also why I have problems with my back: emotional weakness leads to physical weakness and my back trouble also rings the alarm bells of those people whose scripts/patterns are to ‘look after’.

Points to help me change my life’s pattern of appearing weak and vulnerable in order that people (women) take care of me:

  • Strengthen areas of weakness. Do regular exercises to alleviate the physical pain.
  • Patience – I can’t sort this out in a day. There’s no need to become upset at my inability to change my patterns. It is happening. I will do it.
  • Awareness – be aware of how I cause particular situations to arise. Remember – my life’s pattern is for women to look after me.
  • Write down any observations of how I do this.
  • Read these observations and smile – I’m getting there.

Some observations of how I do it:

  • Despair – ‘I don’t know what to do!’ This really sets off their motherly instincts.
  • Crying – it’s okay to cry but do it away from others.
  • Pain – again, suffer away from those who may wish to care for you.

All of these are emotional triggers. Watch this in future.


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