Seeing My Patterns

Tuesday 31 July, 2001

Walked to the house feeling much the same as yesterday. I am beginning to resent people dumping things on my desk. Furthermore, I do not feel at all sympathetic towards the other men in the group. Karaj came down and we chatted in the garden. I told him how I am feeling. He explained that when I came here 18 months ago I was disillusioned with my life. Gradually I started to sort myself out and I began to have some fun. Now, that disillusionment has returned and I am no longer enjoying my life. I am causing all this because I am keen to progress, move on, learn more and more. This corresponds to a thought I had during my walk this morning: I realised that, in the past, it has not been the job which has got me down, it has been me.

I have never done anything for longer than two years. I have never been in a job, in a relationship, in a house or, in many cases, even in a country for longer than two years. I realise now, given the wonderful nature of the work I am doing with Karaj, that it must be me who bores and stresses myself rather than my situation becoming boring and stressful. In short, I sabotage what I have and go off looking for something more worthwhile. I have found something worthwhile yet I am still capable of becoming negative about it. When we had fun the work got done very efficiently. Now that I have taken on responsibility, I have become serious, and the negativity which accompanies my seriousness can undermine everything.

In addition, the way I am living my life at present makes for cockiness. I have done very well and I am doing very well – it does not take much for me to get cocky. This is another advantage of relaxing my therapeutic life just a little. If I just calm myself down and act a little more naturally – be myself instead of trying to work out exactly what to do or say in advance, and worrying afterwards whether my actions were right or wrong – it will help me to keep my feet on the ground, instead of walking around thinking I know it all.

Karaj also made sense when he told me that I have become career-oriented again. I am looking to progress in a particular direction when all I need to do is relax. That is the paradox – when I relax and have no concerns for my career or its direction, things work out, whereas the more I worry about it or try to force or rush things, the more negative I become and the more damage I do.

Karaj told me that I am now into the storming phase. If I make it through this stage of the process then Karaj and I have a relationship for life. However, if I do not make it through, then I have missed a golden opportunity which will haunt me for the rest of my life and may never present itself to me again.

Related post: Changing Patterns

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