Mind Fucking

Friday 12 October, 2001

Yesterday I was told I can expect the results of the scan today. In addition, the senior registrar had hinted that the results would show no problem with the spine. That would mean I could be discharged today in time for the men’s group tomorrow. So, maybe I am not creating barriers after all. [Karaj: Mind fucking.] This morning they came to tell me the results would not be available until Monday afternoon. I spoke to the registrar about tomorrow and he said that it would be okay to go out for a couple of hours.

Lying here for the past few days I can see how easy it would be to walk away from everything I have built over the last 20 months. In my negativity I convince myself that Karaj is annoyed with me because I have created this prolonged stay in hospital. In my conviction of his annoyance, Karaj becomes my father and so I become annoyed. The internal dialogues begin and before long I am ready to walk away from it all. It’s all of my own making.

In the evening I phoned the house and spoke to Sunil. I tested the water as to Karaj’s mood. It seemed just as I had assumed, or maybe my assumption was colouring my perception. I lay awake wrestling with my reasonableness about tomorrow’s events. The doctor has said that I may go out for a couple of hours, yet I know that when I arrive at the group, the men will not allow me to leave until the end. [Karaj: Assumptions, assumptions, assumptions.] I could choose when to go and just attend for the afternoon session, then everyone will be happy.

On the other hand, here was a chance to be unreasonable – to go out for the entire day. As I lay there running through the various scenarios, I was reluctant to take the opportunity to be unreasonable; I’d rather wait for a better (easier) opportunity. I decided that’s the whole point about being unreasonable for me – it’s never going to be easy until I make it second nature. I approached the night nurse at midnight and she talked casually about ‘weekend leave? Yeah, no problem’.

[Karaj: You do too much mind work. This is because of your lack of responsibility.]


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