Shaping My Destiny

Wednesday 6 February, 2002

07.25 E&M 30 mins. I spent this morning finishing my appraisal for my week away. The time with Francis has left me contemplating a few things. Normally I return home from Germany or wherever I’ve been, wanting everything to change – me, my job, my world, the whole world – but this time there is something slightly different. I am still left wondering whether I will see the day when I have a steady job, steady income and a place I can call my own, which are the things I envy Francis for, but there is something going on in my life which tells me to relax, take it easy and don’t be in a hurry because where I am is precisely where I need to be.

It’s almost as if I am going through a defining phase of my life which will shape my destiny in ways I cannot begin to fathom. That has certainly been the case with the last two years and it is just as relevant today. Things are happening which are turning my life in a particular direction forever.

Karaj has been giving much thought to his own situation over the last week. He has seen that he is wasting his time and effort on people who are not committed. He has also seen that he is working beneath himself and that it is time to move on. He added this afternoon that he does not want to lose me as a partner and that it is morally wrong for him to let me down now.

I am still bothered by my feelings about my trip to Germany. I looked back on last summer’s highly successful visit and realised the difference. The following is an extract from last summer:

In March when I visited, it had rained all the time, we hardly left the flat, I accomplished very little and returned feeling very low. This time around, the sun has shone, the storms have come and gone, I have been more proactive than ever, we have filled every minute with all we could without really trying, everything has flowed unbelievably well, and I feel very satisfied.

During that visit I saw all the people I wanted to see and accomplished far more than I had imagined. The lesson is that my time has to be planned like a military operation otherwise my mind takes over and I end up doing nothing and feeling bad about it. Moreover, I need to be independent – to do whatever I want to do and not feel obliged to consider the feelings of others. Firstly, such ‘consideration’ is arrogant because who am I to judge how others feel, and secondly, I am a caring and considerate person anyway, I will not deliberately harm anyone with my actions, so it is okay to be who I am and to do what I want.

I had hoped to have an early night but with Karaj and Sunil working outside until late – I supported Sunil in tarring the base for the toilet block while Karaj sat with a client – I did not get home until gone 10pm.


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