Remembering Why I’m Here

Saturday 18 October, 2003

Experiment in Self Healing Community (Karaj, Dev, George, Michelle, Priya, Ishwar, Harriet, Imogen and myself). I went down a little with each of Karaj’s asides. At various times he told people I am petty, passive, and that I do not trust him. Although each of these comments got to me, they did not rock me too much. Karaj is acting in my best interests and I also want people to know who I am. I need to find a way to concentrate on my positives. Karaj told Dev, ‘You are like Jonathan. You’ve done well, relax and you’ll learn even more, instead of trying to sort things out.’

The Support

I talked to Dev about where I am regarding Karaj’s comments this morning. I am looking at my positives and hearing Karaj’s critique of me at the same time, which makes me falter in my pursuit of owning my brilliance. It’s nothing serious at the moment, but I wanted to verbalise things so that they do not fester. It was a quick process.

After the break Karaj said he had not trusted his mentors at first either, and for the same reasons as I have with him: claiming credit retrospectively. This took some of the pressure off his earlier comments. The thing is, the pressure was mine: I was making myself wrong. I am where I am and that’s that.

Thought. I need to shut my mouth when it comes to amusing remarks about Karaj. Even if we are having fun, I need to have and show respect for who he is. He is my elder and my teacher. He is not my equal nor my peer.

I worked with Ishwar on his reports to his boss. It was easy. He just knocked them out, dictating them in one go without breaking stride. High quality too. Ishwar’s work is excellent. His ability to dictate – off the cuff – quality reports is surpassed only by Karaj. The two of them are so alike. When the reports were read out later in the group, people were bowled over by the quality and power of his writing.

The Togetherness

For five hours after lunch the men, under George’s leadership, worked on cellar of the utility block whilst Karaj facilitated the women’s group. We put in the middle section of the floor and the joists for the cellar ceiling. I enjoyed the work, and took great satisfaction in being with the other men. Despite this positivity, I linger on the edge of feeling low. Part of me is ready to pounce on any negativity and bring myself down. I told Karaj I’m having a little battle with myself to be positive. He said that’s what life is all about. I told Dev, too. He is in precisely the same space.

Thought. When I came here I wasn’t waiting for Karaj to get me what I wanted, I just took it. I talked to him, listened to him and followed his advice. I still do all that but my arrogance has grown and interfered with my process. But why am I looking to Karaj to move me forward? The vision is the only thing. Karaj has commented earlier in the day that he doesn’t worry about his day-to-day issues because he has a vision. He is focused on that, and he knows it will happen.

The Brilliance

In the evening Michelle read out her memo to Karaj and me, thanking us for the work we did on her handover project. Even though it was supposed to be a compliment, Karaj pounced on one line and challenged Michelle thoroughly, complete with diagrams and explanations of how she was beating herself up, inviting a bashing from Karaj, as well as attacking Karaj’s Rebellious Child (TA).

The line was: ‘…made me see yet again that when I do bring my work to the house, the results are brilliant.’ After Karaj’s analysis, Michelle shared with us that she’d had a problem herself with the line when she wrote it, but had left it in anyway. This showed me Karaj’s brilliance. In an instant he had picked up on the one sentence about which Michelle was unsure.

The Humility

I was touched by Michelle’s gesture and her appreciation of our work. I thought to myself, ‘What the fuck have I been looking for, when I can do this?’ I felt humbled. In addition, this connects to the earlier stuff about visions. Michelle has given me back my wonder at what Karaj does. It’s what I had when I first came here.

Group summaries. In his feedback, Ishwar said that it was good to see me back. George talked about the togetherness of the men. I had felt it clearly earlier on in this session. Karaj had been talking about us (keeping him alive, making him work) and me and my peers (Simran, Dev and Ishwar) sat together in a row. I felt pride and power.

The last people departed at half past midnight. Ishwar thanked me as he left (that meant a lot to me); and as Dev and Simran followed him out there was a real sense of togetherness about us all. Something which George and Shona had both commented on in their summaries. As I returned to the main room, Karaj was getting my bedding out. I thanked him, and he replied, ‘It’s the least I can do for you.’ I felt humbled again.

Summary: Yesterday was a good day with positive feedback from people confirming my own realisations of the important and effective role I play here. For the main part of today there was a low-key battle going on inside me to stay positive, balanced and stable. I had taken comments from Karaj personally in the morning’s session but verbalised this to Dev straight away. He was having the same battle with himself. Worked well with the men all day, and the evening was lovely. All my fears were unfounded and the biggest hurdle I have each day is my emotional side. A successful day.


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