We had a brief chat and he left feeling excited about the new life he has before him. He seemed resolute about the changes he wishes to make to his life. Unfortunately, he feels resolute after every group, but still he makes the same fuck-ups. Only time will tell. He has been told enough times what he needs to do the rest is up to him.

[Karaj: Telling him is nagging. Do not assess like this. See what you can do so that he is not let off the hook.]

The point Karaj is making with his feedback is an important one. Support is not always easy to provide. In our frustration we can easily find a justification for giving up on someone. Which is why it is always necessary to return to our original intention. If that intention is to make ourselves feel better by watching someone fail, then there are plenty of opportunities to do so. It is easy to offer our support and make convincing gestures in that direction, only to turn our backs when things get difficult.

It is more challenging to remain firm and return time and again to the original intention, especially when the individual’s (as well as our own) script exerts itself with all the familiarity and force of habit. In the same way, it can be a challenge for us to accept the kind of support we need in order to progress. Learning to provide and to accept appropriate support is essential to personal growth.

In ‘The Way of Transformation‘, von Dürckheim explains that when we are serious about our development, we are better off seeking out the people who will challenge us to grow, rather than allow our old patterns to persist:

The man who, being really on the Way, falls upon hard times in the world will not, as a consequence, turn to that friend who offers him refuge and comfort and encourages his old self to survive. Rather, he will seek out someone who will faithfully and inexorably help him to risk himself, so that he may endure the suffering and pass courageously through it, thus making of it a “raft that leads to the far shore”.

^{Karlfried Graf von Dürckheim}     

I was faced with a situation in late 2003 which reminded me of the full passage (there is more here). At the end of my training I was keen to return to Germany. It was not an easy time for me, as will become apparent when the relevant journals are published here in 2014, and I was reliant on a close friend to provide me with a place to stay; a quiet space where I could begin to process all I had learnt and experienced under Karaj’s tutelage.

Unfortunately, we had not had any contact for 18 months and prior to calling him I had reasoned that, in accordance with von Dürckheim’s writing, the best thing he could do for me was to turn me away. But he didn’t. Unbeknown to me he had reached a conclusion of his own, months before my call. He had asked himself whether he would welcome me back, if I ever returned. His answer to himself had been ‘yes’, and his answer to me when I asked was the same.

So, is the best kind of support to challenge people or allow them space? Both are possible, provided the intention is the right one: to support one another in discovering, learning and growing. As long as the other person’s intention is to grow, then it is our job to do whatever is needed to facilitate that goal. If it means being unyielding, then that is what we do; if it means being quiet, then we remain quiet. Only when we examine our own motives and intentions can we act accordingly.

My friend died two years after my return to Germany, so I am glad we had the extra time together. We were friends for ten years and I was grateful for his support on many an occasion throughout that time, but one of the most meaningful contributions he made to my life was when he re-examined his own standpoint and concluded that our friendship was worth his continued commitment and my continued presence. I was grateful then, and I remain so.

Support comes in different forms. It doesn’t matter whether our commitment is firm or friendly, vociferous or silent, challenging or reassuring. What is important is that we support each other fully. When we do that, with an awareness of intentions and a clarity of purpose, we create the opportunity for growth. For each other.

The last three weeks’ of journal entries from 11 years ago document a number of thoughts I had about myself at the time, which made life a little difficult for myself and for those around me. In due course I reached the point where I could reflect on the process and draw conclusions about the options available. One option was that I had a choice.

The journal entries begin with a familiar pattern of dismissive thoughts (‘Whatever We Do We Become Good At’) and a lack of self-belief (‘Doubts & Conceit’). They address the subject of comparisons and the need for more certainty in the view I have of myself (‘A Consistent Perception of Self’). And they point to creating the positivity manually in order to override the seemingly automatic negativity (‘Stimulate Positivity’).

Eventually, there is an appraisal (‘Taking Stock’) which, in its assessment of the situation, feels like a reset button, seeming to wipe the slate clean before moving on to a reminder to concentrate only the facts (‘Look at the Evidence’).

The final entry (‘Taking Back Control’) describes a number of insights relating to various issues. Among them is an insight which, in its simplicity, could easily be overlooked, yet can be applied to each of the issues encountered in the previous posts. It is the one which contains the line “Whatever I’m doing and whatever is happening I have the choice to be content or not.“

It is not just applicable to the points highlighted in the journal entries. It is a procedure for every situation. Whether we’re in an argument with a loved one, receiving critical feedback from a colleague, running through a familiar internal dialogue in our heads, reacting to  someone’s opinion or reflecting on the world in which we live, we have a choice.

It takes practice and we need prompting. Publishing these entries has served as a timely reminder for me that no matter what me may think of ourselves or each other, or how those thoughts affect our emotions, there is always an alternative. We have a choice in every second of every day. Each step we take can be a conscious one, made in awareness. Thus empowered by the choices we make, we place ourselves in a better position to lead the life we prefer; the life we choose.

The conclusion of each of the conversations I had was that, regardless of what is going on around us or inside our own heads, it is important we remain consistent in our approach to our work, our life and to the people with whom we interact.

Whether the people around us keep changing their minds, or whether we feel weighed down by fantasies of what may or may not happen, we should always remember our goals. If our goal is to serve people the best way we can (a more commonplace endeavour than one might think); or to live a life of physical fitness; or to practice purity of thought; or even just to be more favourable in our judgements and assessments of ourselves and others, then that is where our focus needs to be. Every time we trip up, we take a deep breath and return to our purpose. Refocus and move forward inch by inch.

It’s not easy. Nobody ever said it is easy. There are distractions everywhere. Many of them are inviting. But my point in this post is that we are even distracted by the obstacles. Karaj once explained to me how we spend so much time focusing on the obstacles instead of keeping our eye on the goal, that eventually avoiding the obstacles become the goal. At that point the distraction is complete.

It takes practice, discipline and patience even just to realise we are distracted, then to realign ourselves and manually return to our original path. But every day is a chance to practice. So each time you come across an obstacle of any kind just remember what you set out to do and, at the very least, practice consistency.

Related posts: Consistency, Boundaries & Discipline | Be Consistent

The more I got to know her the more I saw how much her father had instructed her on how to be, how to act and how to react in given situations. He had not imposed his personality on her any more than any parent does, but he had given her useful tips on how best to function in the world. He had provided her with a framework of tried and tested strategies and ready-made solutions, and sent her out into her world beautifully equipped to flourish.

We all need effective strategies to help us deal with life. They are vital to our survival and they contribute to our success. As soon as we are born, our priority is to have our needs met. From the beginning of our existence we observe and experiment in an attempt to work out how the world works. By simple trial-and-error methods we devise basic strategies to manipulate our environment for our own means.

The first and by far the most effective strategy we use is to cry. When we are babies, crying produces astoundingly effective results. Any adult within earshot is immediately alerted. Those genetically closest to us respond the quickest and are usually very keen to meet whatever needs we may have. They feed us, hold us, talk to us, smile at us, comfort us, play with us.

As with any successful strategy we discover, there is a risk involved if we try to change it, because we cannot know whether the new strategy will work (see ‘Survival & Growth’ for more information). So we tend to stick to what works, no matter how ineffective it may eventually turn out to be. That is unless we are forced to change, or we stumble fortuitously on a better strategy. Or unless someone we trust offers us a better one.

Life is about defining what we want and looking for the best strategies to help us realise our goals. As we search, however, we must be humble enough to question our existing strategies, re-examining them as we go. But we need not search alone. We are fortunate enough to be surrounded by people who can offer us the benefit of their wisdom. Their presence in our lives is invaluable. They may not be easy to spot, but they are inclined to say ‘thank you’ when you compliment them.

Related post: Survival & Growth

I was talking with a carpenter last week about how the last two years of my training were made up of intensive weekends working with the core group on a variety of landscaping and building projects. The main purpose of the projects was to make visible our behaviour so we could see it for ourselves. The way an individual approaches a project and interacts with the team, the materials and the tools provides insights into character, personality and behaviour patterns.

Do they handle the tools confidently, tentatively, nervously, cautiously? Is the material used sparingly, recklessly, with disrespect or appreciation? Do they take part in the project fully or half-heartedly, with conviction or ambivalence? Do they support their colleagues appropriately or are they oblivious to their needs? Is their communication clear and effective or mumbled and unsure? Throughout the work we did, hourly feedback sessions ensured that everyone contributed and every issue was addressed.

The carpenter explained how he had once been involved in helping a small group of people build a spiral staircase. They had no power tools and had to learn how to use traditional tools over the course of the six-week project. The construction of the staircase involved a great deal of work with a chisel. A straightforward tool but, within the context of the training I underwent, the way a person uses a chisel and goes about their work, would provide information about how they live the rest of their lives: how they deal with problems, how they approach different tasks, and how they interact and relate to others.

Feedback sessions would then allow the individual to become aware of how he uses his chisel, how he is relating to his fellow workers and how he is contributing to the whole project. When he sees for himself what others have told him, he will notice similar patterns elsewhere in his life. And once that is happening, as the ‘Heisenberg…’ post points out, transformation is already taking place.

The other example comes from my journal entry for 15^th Feb 2002. It will not be published here for another year, but below is an excerpt. Karaj and I had spent three days constructing a temporary building for an outside toilet. Here we were putting the finishing touches to our work:

We finished the toilet today and it looks fantastic. The detail is staggering considering its temporary nature. When working on one of the shelves in the cupboard I said that it didn’t really matter because nobody will see it. Karaj told me that the work is all about me. His attention to detail is not about the toilet or about what others see or think, it is about himself, and the same is true for me. I am working on myself, inside and out, on the things people see and the things they don’t. Whatever I do, I do it for myself.

Every time we do something we create who we are. And every time we observe ourselves doing so, we see who we are. We have a choice about the former, and the latter is our feedback mechanism. It’s like that for everyone because all of us are in everything we do.

This post was written following a discussion I had with a client last week in which I encouraged her to continue with her commitment to improvement even though it may seem like nothing is happening. The point I make here is that personal development is simple (but not necessarily easy). I have talked about it before in different contexts. Here are a few examples:

• Heisenberg, Observation & Growth
• All in Good Time
• Clarity
• Consistency, Boundaries & Discipline
• Be the Boundaries

Those examples bring home the point that our development depends on just a few simple rules (even though I have listed 175 of mine, here). In fact, Karaj always said there was really only one procedure to remember. Despite that simplicity we still need reminding again and again what we have to do in order to progress. We need reminding because we forget, we get complacent and we slip back into old, familiar ways.

My exercise routine is a good example. It has suffered a little over the last two weeks and I have missed a few days. This has been partly because of physical pain, partly because the motivation to get up in the cold, dark mornings is less than I would ideally want, and partly because of the boredom Karaj talks about in yesterday’s journal post from 11 years ago. Being reminded of that boredom, I realised that recently I have just been going through the motions with my exercises rather than doing them with the awareness necessary to make them really effective.

Last night I spoke with a good friend of mine. He is aware of my situation and he is also part of the inspiration behind my current exercise routine. So when I talked to him about needing to get back to the discipline, he understood. Moreover, I felt my own commitment being reinforced by sharing it with him. This morning, with renewed focus, I got up with the alarm, went through my exercise routine with more awareness than in recent weeks, and then sent a text to my friend to let him know and to thank him for the part he played in making it happen.

It is important to know that we may not be able to discern any improvement as a result of our commitment or intention, but that does not mean nothing is happening. If we have expectations, then we may already be setting ourselves up for disappointment as well as restricting ourselves: expectations can cause us to look in the wrong place for what we think will happen. The best we can do is to be consistent and persist. One day it will all come together. And, as this post says, it could happen in an instant.

The easiest way to visualise this is to look at the example of an athletics coach. The coach is not the one who runs the race. He is not the one who puts in the longs hours of training, with the goal of winning olympic gold. That’s the athlete. The coach is the one who:

1. Is also at the track at 6 a.m. (Motivation)
2. Has his stopwatch ready to time the athlete and chart his/her progress. (Assessment)
3. Shouts encouragement from the sidelines. (Support)
4. Gives advice on performance, based on his knowledge, experience and observations. (Guidance)
5. Highlights areas for improvement – what the athlete can do better. (Challenges)
6. Points out areas of excellence – what the athlete does well. (Feedback)
7. Provides everything the athlete needs to be able to concentrate fully on his/her performance. (Empowerment)

Showing You Yourself

A good coach makes you aware of your behaviour, your talents and your shortfalls. Every one of us has abilities which we think are normal; those things we do naturally, easily, which we assume everyone else can do. When we make such assumptions we sell ourselves short. A good coach will correct that. He will make sure you see how good you are. Similarly, he will make you aware of the areas which can be improved too, in order for you to become a better version of yourself.

Feedback

We are reliant on others to point out certain behavioural traits to us. The coaching relationship is an ideal place for that kind of feedback. Without such appropriate feedback our blind spots remain just that, and our behavioural patterns remain unchanged. During my training we had regular group feedback sessions in which we all had the opportunity to evaluate our own performance and the performances of others in the group. It was during those sessions that we received the kind of feedback about our behaviour which meant there was no hiding place. If you have eight people telling you your communication is not good enough when you think it is, then you really have no choice but to listen to what people are telling you.

Seeing Your Own Behaviour

Once we become aware of our behaviour, the next step is to change the aspects which need changing. And this is where we come across one of the most important and most fascinating aspects of the work I do. All we have to do is see our own behaviour. All we have to do is see what other people have been seeing for days, weeks, months, even years. Because once we see it, the changes and transformations are already taking place. There is no need for any additional effort. There is still the need for awareness, focus, discipline and application (here, again, we see the same kinds of words we hear in connection with top-class athletes). But there is no need to make any extra effort to change your behaviour. You know where you are and you know where you want to be. The rest is down to you, your coach and the development process.

Forming New Habits

When we try a new approach it often doesn’t work first time around; when we try to establish new patterns of behaviour we often fall back into old habits. It’s at these times that a coach becomes invaluable because he will remind you why you started this journey; he will remind of your goals and of how enthusiastic you were at the beginning. A coach will also show you how far you have come. It is easy to lose sight of or underestimate the progress we have made, so it is the coach’s job to remind clients where they were and show them where they are now.

There is more information on the process in this blog entry under the heading ‘Cycle of Transformation‘.

There are good reasons why all top sports men, women and teams have coaches. To be successful, they need someone to be straight with them, to guide them, provide constructive and critical feedback, to challenge their patterns of behavior and create more successful habits. They need someone to show them what they are doing well and also what they can do better; someone to show them how good they are and, when things are not going so well, to remind them why they started and what they set out to achieve.

It’s the same for every one of us.

Related post: The Essence of Coaching

At the beginning of a company workshop I was giving, I spoke about how effective and necessary it can be to challenge people’s behaviour. As I was talking, one attendee arrived late. He apologised and went on to explain that he would have to leave early because he had to prepare for a meeting. Addressing the rest of the group I pointed out that here was a fine example of what I meant. I then challenged the latecomer’s behaviour, telling him there was no need to apologise. In fact there was no need to say anything because it only disturbs the proceedings. This led to a group discussion in which everyone justified the apology for reasons of manners and ‘normal’ behaviour.

I was aware that another member was missing so I asked the group to observe how he behaved when he entered the room. We continued with the workshop and he arrived a few minutes later. He entered the room in the middle of another discussion, said nothing, closed the door, sat down and when there was a natural pause in the conversation he apologised for being late. I asked the group for their feedback. Everyone commented on the difference between the two behaviours. They saw clearly the respective disruption and lack of disruption each arrival had caused. If the original challenge had not have been made, the behaviour would have been accepted as normal, the chance to observe would have been missed and the learning point lost.

I did little more than highlight a pattern of behaviour. With the awareness heightened by the group discussion, there was nothing more to do than wait for an opportunity to observe what happened with the second arrival. Through that simple example, people examined their own patterns, became more aware of the behaviour of others and saw the effect of that behaviour on their environment. So much from one short, but guided observation. It showed people what they are able see for themselves when they observe what is going on around them. Every day there are countless opportunities to learn from even the simplest of observations.

I broke my girlfriend’s computer the other week. More accurately, it broke while I was using it; but I still felt bad. I felt guilty, at fault, and compelled to inform her in order to lessen my own negativity. All of which told me I was in the Child ego state (TA). She was away on holiday at the time and for a week I had to resist the urge to let her know. That compulsion to unburden myself of my guilt eventually waned, but one nagging thought kept resurfacing: had the hard drive been corrupted and was any data which hadn’t been backed up lost?

Initially my mind went to work on the worst case scenario, and it had a ball. But I remained resolute and did all I could to sort the situation out. It took a day and a half to quieten my mind. During that time I worked through my own list of what to do with worry (see ‘The Reality of Worry’), telling myself that if everything works out okay then I will have wasted time and energy worrying unnecessarily. And I took the computer back to the shop from where I had bought it three months previously.

In all of this I was reminded of two stories I had heard in the last two months. One concerns a close friend, the other an acquaintance. One an executive, the other a singer. Both of them told me similar stories about finding work.

The executive was having a tough time getting another job following a redundancy. For weeks afterwards he was applying for the few jobs he could find at his level. He went for interviews, but they led nowhere. When he recounted the story to me he emphasised that in all of the chaos of the second half of 2011, he still had the feeling that it would work out before the end of the year. By mid-November time was running out and the type of job he was looking for necessarily involved a long selection process of multiple interviews.

At the end of November he had a meeting which had been arranged by a mutual contact. Just a chat really. The sort of contact which might one day lead somewhere. But the day before the meeting he received a call saying that a vacancy had appeared at that particular company, and the chat would now be an interview. The two men got on well. The owner of the company joined the interview and towards the end they conferred briefly before saying to my friend, “You’re just the man we’re looking for. We’d like to offer you the job”. Three days later he received the contract in the post and is really excited about starting this new phase of his working life. All from one conversation.

The singer recounted a similar story. He is a successful performer and has appeared in a number of musicals. But, in his line of work, there can be periods when jobs are difficult to find. It was during one of these periods that he caught himself getting down about not having any work. He made a conscious decision not to allow this negativity to happen. This shift in attitude helped him maintain a belief that everything would work out okay. Then one day he went for an audition. It lasted only three minutes and he left. Two minutes later he received a phone call telling him he’d got the part. All it had taken was five minutes. Right now he is appearing in one musical all across the Netherlands and has just begun rehearsals for another.

When listening to both of these stories, what struck me was the attitude of the two people, their belief in themselves and the process, and their commitment to their respective goals. As I wrote here under the heading ‘Flux’, there is always something going on behind the scenes, even if we think nothing is happening. It means that if we continue undaunted and remain focused on our goal, when the time is right our circumstances can change in an instant; in the time it takes to have one conversation or sing one song.

When she returned from holiday, my girlfriend dismissed the incident with the computer as unimportant; nothing to worry about. Three days later the shop called to say they had fixed everything. I needn’t have worried. So I’m glad I made the decision not to.

Related posts: The Reality of Worry | Never Give Up

The coaching relationship is different for each client. Every one of us is in a different place in our lives; every one of us has a different history and a different future. The coaching process handles this by using an approach which applies to all of us, regardless of our situation, goals or issues: self-awareness.

The more I work with people the more aware they become of their own behaviour, their patterns and their potential. As a consequence they see the same in others. It’s simple. But it’s not necessarily easy. There are habits to change, new patterns to lay down. Patience is required. But with commitment, progress is inevitable. And awareness is the key to it all.

I work with clients on whatever it is they want to work, and if they are not sure about their goals, well, we work on those first. There may be areas of their personal life which they want to improve or conquer; there may be specific career goals to be achieved; a desire to make more of their opportunities; or to understand why people behave the way they do. They may want to develop specific aspects of themselves or just be seeking greater contentment in life.

The list is endless. The possibilities are endless. And the potential is (almost) limitless.

The relationship begins with the initial session, the purpose of which is to discuss the client’s requirements, goals, current situation, relevant issues, answer any questions they may have and agree on the best way forward. But more than that, it is an opportunity for both the coach and the client to meet and get to know each other. At this point there is no commitment to work together. Only when both parties are in agreement does the coaching relationship continue. It is vitally important for the client to find a coach with whom s/he feels comfortable. Otherwise the coaching will be ineffective.

Assuming both agree to work together, what happens thereafter is reliant mainly on the client; on how much they invest in the work; how much time, how much effort and how much of themselves they put into it. As a coach it is my job to hold clients to their commitments, empower them, guide them where necessary, provide support, encouragement, feedback, and to challenge them when required.

I advise people to write things down. When we think, our mind races at the speed of firing neurons, and we end up missing out on so much because it doesn’t get the chance to surface. In addition, we may have been through the thought process so many times before that we just skip to the known and familiar conclusions. When we talk things through with someone, the process is slowed to the speed at which we can talk and listen. And when we write our thoughts down, the process is slowed even further, to the speed we can write (or type). This allows thoughts, feelings, questions and answers to surface more readily, such that we can often find ourselves, after 20 or 30 minutes, writing something we have never thought of and which leaves us wondering, ‘Where on earth has that come from?‘

Writing has the added advantage of enabling a more accurate evaluation of the whole process. Furthermore, your commitment to recording your observations in written form automatically makes you more aware. If you know you are going to be making notes, you will pay closer attention.

The coaching process is the same as any endeavour to improve a skill, develop a talent or progress as a human being. By setting our sights on the goals we have formulated, we become more aware of our current position. That awareness carries through to our daily lives as we put into practice the points discussed in the coaching sessions. We observe more keenly what is going on and we begin to make progress. We experience realisations and insights into how particular situations occur, why our interactions with others develop as they do, and how we can influence them more positively.

It’s possible we will have breakthroughs like the one I describe here, but they should not be the subject of our focus or desire. Gradual improvement through a disciplined approach and increased awareness will bring its own rewards. All of which is made more achievable by working with a coach. There will be setbacks – that’s part of the journey – but there will be more successes and they will bring increased motivation as we begin to achieve our goals and/or change our old habits and patterns.

Whilst writing this post, four words came to mind: communication, feedback, relationship, accountability. There are more words here, which are all part of the coaching process but for the purposes of this post, let us concentrate on the first four:

• Communication – clear and open communication is the most effective way to work. Anything other than that is half-hearted and insufficient.
• Feedback – direct and meaningful feedback is essential. Without it the entire process is a waste of time. Moreover, when it comes to the blind spots we all have about our own behaviour, we are reliant on another person to highlight them to us.
• Relationship – it’s important to build a relationship of trust and acceptance. This recent journal post from 11 years ago is testimony to the need for relationships.
• Accountability – the relationship, the work and the client’s intentions and commitment all create accountability. Without it there can be no real progress. Agreements made within the coaching relationship make it more likely that the work is done and deadlines are met.

Development, growth and the attainment of goals is about making use of whatever happens in order to move forward. This post came about because of an enquiry into the nature of coaching. It is an example of the organic quality of the work; it came to life because someone asked a question. Every day there are numerous opportunities to create a new future for ourselves. Working with a coach brings that process into sharper focus.

I end with two comments sent to me by one of my clients:

‘It has been a long day. Probably the most challenging of the days so far, but I’m doing well. Thanks so much for your support. It has made all the difference.’

That feedback related to a particular goal we had worked on. When our focus shifted to another goal, the same client wrote the following (which also appears on my testimonials page):

‘You have already changed and impacted my life in ways I could not have imagined. Just knowing that we’re going to be working on this together brings a sense of calmness to me already. I know that working with you, I will have success.’

Related post: What is Coaching?