Be Consistent

Friday 31 March, 2000

My weekend starts today with a visit back home. I shall spend a day there and return on Saturday evening. It gives me another chance to observe what happens to me when I’m there, but the rest of the weekend to re-focus myself. During this afternoon’s meeting we talked about observations of behaviour. I find it difficult to observe not just myself but also other people.

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Look for the Positives

Thursday 30 March, 2000

Self praise. I don’t do enough of it. It is a point which was first brought to my attention during the cross-cultural counselling course I did last year. In my learning journals I repeatedly wrote that my contributions to the group were either minimal or negligible.

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Destructive Patterns Reframed

Wednesday 29 March, 2000

Last night my plans to travel to London were cancelled. One of the two friends I had planned to visit had already made arrangements with his girlfriend. My initial response was disappointment, and immediately a trait of mine came to the surface. Ever since I can remember there has been a part of me which is intent on making others feel guilty. I want them to feel remorse for doing me an injustice.

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Make & Maintain Your Happiness

Tuesday 28 March, 2000

Happiness (or contentment) not only needs to be achieved but also maintained. It is not enough to sit back and think things will stay the way they are. The very nature of life is flux. It is ever-changing; an open system requiring a constant flow of energy to maintain its equilibrium. Maintaining contentment is no different.

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Good Morning Monday

Monday 27 March, 2000

Monday morning and I feel good. Spoke to Karaj and he made it clear that I need to keep my focus in order to achieve. This means being with myself.

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Engaged Rather than Isolated

Sunday 26 March, 2000

Finished painting the hallway today, apart from some finishing touches which require a steady hand. I had stopped because I was getting tired and knew I would make mistakes if I carried on.

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A Busy Weekend Alone

Saturday 25 March, 2000

Went for an early morning walk in the park, and returned to the house with fruit and flowers – beautiful tulips. Made a start on the decorating. Samantha phoned and I talked to her about how I am. 40 miles of walking last week, flowers for the house, decorating and feeling good. Not the childish conversation I may have had in the past. She seemed happy and I continued with the painting.

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Parent Ego State

Friday 24 March, 2000

I need to make much more use of my Parent ego state (Transactional Analysis) to quieten my emotions. In the past, my problems have arisen mostly because of my emotional reaction to almost everything. It costs me enormous amounts of energy and the simple truth is: it doesn’t have to be that way.

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Knowing What is Good for Me

Thursday 23 March, 2000

Thursday. One day away from the weekend and, not surprisingly, I feel good. A little tired but then again I am walking eight miles a day.

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I Am the Cause

Wednesday 22 March, 2000

12 months ago I returned to England (after a few years in Germany) thinking I had done most of the hard work necessary to be a well developed, rounded human being. I was wrong. The past year and in particular the last eight months have seen my world and my view of myself turned upside down. Now I don’t know who I am.

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Time to Grow Up

Tuesday 21 March, 2000

Last night I went out with two friends. As we chatted it was clear to me how childish I appear to myself when compared with my (younger!) friends. It saddens me and I do not understand why I am so immature. I know how adults behave but I do not seem capable. I’m 31 – it’s about time I grew up.

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Mondays & Fridays

Monday 20 March, 2000

I separate the week from the weekend. I work during the week. I exercise during the week and I’m relatively well disciplined during the week. At weekends I don’t work, I don’t exercise as much and I relax more. This includes relaxing my rules and boundaries.

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The Need for Meaning

Friday 17 March, 2000

I feel annoyed but I don’t know why. I don’t know how to change my inner world so that the outside world does not seem so pointless. Because that’s how it seems to me. Pointless.

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Routines & Patterns

Thursday 16 March, 2000

Routines are vital to introduce stability into our lives. Nothing is possible without stability. There is no exception. Only when stability has been achieved can progress be made. A routine involves doing the same thing at regular times/intervals (e.g. every day) in order that the rest of the time may be used constructively.

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