I awoke today feeling better. However, when I began to think about things, my mood changed to the painful numbness I have been experiencing recently. It seems that both thinking and feeling cause me emotional upset. There remains only doing. Whenever I do something, however, I usually feel and think to myself: ‘What’s the point?’
It would seem the only ‘point’ is to stop me from feeling and thinking, which is as good a reason as any. Be in the moment. Isn’t that what they say? Focus on the task at hand. I struggle in this respect. I daydream, my mind wanders and I become frustrated and sometimes angry at myself, the situation or indeed the world.
Yesterday I began to understand there are no hidden agendas on life’s journey. When making statements there is no point in being unsure. If my intentions are clear it makes everything that much easier. It’s easier to understand what I’m saying and feeling and it’s easier to monitor my own progress because I have expressed myself precisely.
I wrote yesterday that I feel alone. The reason for this is that I’m realising I must become independent. That is not to say that people are not around to help and support me – they are. But ultimately I’m on my own – and that’s what causes me pain.
I’ve never had a real problem with solitude, but at the same time there has always been someone in my life to comfort me during the lonely periods. Now things have changed. I find it difficult to explain the difference but things are different.