I Am the Cause

Wednesday 22 March, 2000

12 months ago I returned to England (after a few years in Germany) thinking I had done most of the hard work necessary to be a well developed, rounded human being. I was wrong. The past year and in particular the last eight months have seen my world and my view of myself turned upside down. Now I don’t know who I am.

I feel as if all the personal development work I have done over the past 17 years has been reviewed and handed back to me with one comment: ‘Start again’. It hasn’t all been a waste of time. Many of the things I have learnt and implemented over those 17 years will be useful as I repeat the process. It’s just a bit difficult to have to take a few big steps backwards in order to make further progress.

I am becoming more and more aware of myself and the situations around me. These situations are of my own making. This is a most revealing truth. Once I understand that I have caused everything in my life to happen the way it does, it is easier to understand why things happen the way they do and, in turn, why I am the person I am. The clearer this becomes, the easier it is to make the necessary changes in order to be the person I wish to be.

I have already begun to identify areas of myself which need alteration. What I lack, however, is the awareness of the situation; the ability to observe myself in any particular instance and to recognise myself for who I am. Only then can effective change occur. I wish to be grown up, mature, and independent. And not so bloody tired all the time.

Also, I’ve noticed that I always try to fit in. I follow other people’s lead and blend in with who they are instead of being me. Seen from a ‘Please Others’ driver (TA), it all makes sense. When I’m in the company of people I like or admire I often find myself thinking I should be more like them. This reduces my life to copying other people, and I lose sight of my own identity.

Related post: Awareness is the Key

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