A Busy Weekend Alone

Saturday 25 March, 2000

Went for an early morning walk in the park, and returned to the house with fruit and flowers – beautiful tulips. Made a start on the decorating. Samantha phoned and I talked to her about how I am. 40 miles of walking last week, flowers for the house, decorating and feeling good. Not the childish conversation I may have had in the past. She seemed happy and I continued with the painting.

At times, whilst painting the hallway, I felt slightly frustrated with aspects of it. I realised quickly that this show of emotion wasn’t necessary and only served to unsettle me in my work. I saw the futility of the emotion, let it pass and continued happily with my work. I had to apply a little force (Parent ego state) for the purposes of motivation, but once at work I enjoyed being able to concentrate on one thing. There were no distractions and I could be with myself.

I did not get as frustrated as I may have expected at the length of time needed to complete the job (‘Hurry Up’ driver) or the seemingly slow progress being made. I got on with the job and made good headway working through the fiddly ‘cutting-in’ on the walls. The day passed in a most enjoyable fashion and not once did I feel alone or bored. The flowers are beautiful. I feel different today. More responsible. I have achieved a great deal already this weekend.

I am proud of myself for what I have achieved, but more importantly for how I have felt. I have allowed my Child to play, but my Parent has been strong; there’s plenty of room for both in my life, both are suited to different situations and both are necessary for a healthy existence. Also, I acknowledged my need for perfection and it did not frustrate me. In any case, I only needed to take a step back and look at the whole to see the perfection: at times I became too involved with the detail and couldn’t see what I was creating until I stepped back.

I have enjoyed today very much. It has been a day away from others but I have not felt detached or lonely. I have been with myself.


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