Physical & Psychological

Sunday 30 April, 2000

During this morning’s stretching exercises I felt a nerve pain as I was bending forward. This happens from time to time if I’m not careful and is usually both painful and demoralising. But this time, although it was still painful, it felt liberating and, thereafter, my back felt just a little bit more free and flexible.

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Thursday 27 April, 2000

Expectations are troublesome products of the mind. To go into something with expectations is to set myself up for disappointment. Disappointment cannot exist without prior expectation.

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Take Care Towards the End

Friday 21 April, 2000

Despite trapping a nerve this morning during my exercises, I feel good. Halfway through the exercises I had a feeling it might happen, so I warned myself to take care. Unfortunately, I did too much and right at the end I felt it go. It’s not the worst pain and it’ll be gone in a day or two. The important thing is that I noticed the danger. I just wasn’t quite careful enough.

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Listen to Myself

Thursday 20 April, 2000

Last night Samantha phoned. She’s given me a headache. I don’t have any physical pain but something about her is annoying me. I never seem to have her undivided attention. She’s never fully there; a fact supported by her inability to listen to anything I say.

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A Time & Place for Everything

Wednesday 19 April, 2000

The DIY work which Karaj and I did yesterday allowed me to exercise my ‘Be Perfect’ nature whilst at the same time exposing me to Karaj’s ‘doing’. He just gets on with things and is driven to complete as much as possible in the time available, whereas my focus is more on doing something as well as possible.

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Do More

Tuesday 18 April, 2000

It has always been a trait of mine to put things off. If I really need to do something then I’ll do it, but it’s often at the last minute. I have always been more of a thinker and a feeler. I think and feel very quickly and intensely and it takes a long time for me to do anything. Add to that a ‘Be Perfect’ driver (TA) which can instil the attitude that it won’t be good enough anyway, and it all means I often don’t even get as far as starting to do things.

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Respectful Giving

Monday 17 April, 2000

Had a good weekend. Better than expected. It was tiring because of the long journeys and some of the conversations we had, but as Kuldip said on Sunday afternoon, ‘Every minute has been filled’.

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Just Be the Best I Can Possibly Be

Sunday 16 April, 2000

An early start – I did my exercises which I was very pleased about – and we went to the Forth Bridge before driving through Edinburgh to visit Karaj’s former client. Kuldip and I went for a walk and a pint in Edinburgh. We walked around the castle and had enjoyable conversations. I sometimes find Kuldip to be over-friendly; too eager to please by being very complimentary, almost subservient towards other people.

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Navigating Our Way

Saturday 15 April, 2000

Today Karaj, Kuldip and I drove to Edingburgh. Karaj asked me to navigate and I immediately felt the onset of a familiar reaction: I doubt my ability to do a job (perfectly) and get flustered because I think I’ll be letting myself and others down.

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Friday 14 April, 2000

There were three occasions today when something happened (a spilt drink, a ringing telephone and a barking dog) which I took as my cue to get out of a situation. Somehow it felt as though I was tuned in and, taking the guidance, I changed course and moved on. For example, in the pub in the late afternoon there was a heavy atmosphere and I felt tired. The spilt drink (nothing uncommon in a pub) seemed like an alarm bell to me and I got out of there.

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Love & Compassion

Thursday 13 April, 2000

Two days ago I read that one of the most important things in life is to be true to and honest with yourself. I can be quite hard with myself (and others) so it is important to relate to oneself and everyone else not with angry words and a loud voice, but with love and compassion. As with yesterday’s entry, love and compassion can only come from the Parent ego state (TA). Yesterday Karaj said something similar: ‘If I have to criticise then I walk away’. There’s no need to point out people’s faults to them. Just leave them to it and walk away.

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Wednesday 12 April, 2000

One of the reasons I argued my principles so vehemently in the past was because I wanted people to see who I am and agree that I am a good person or that I am right in what I say. In truth, I am the only person whose acknowledgment I need. If there is something about myself with which I disagree then I can change it. I need only be me for my sake. This cuts out all the complications of trying to please other people.

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Where Am I?

Tuesday 11 April, 2000

This is where I am now; a reference point from which I can chart my progress:

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Monday 10 April, 2000

My back was painful over the weekend. I exercised moderately on Saturday and Sunday but I did not keep to the routine I have during the week. This, more than anything, causes me to feel low.

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