This is where I am now; a reference point from which I can chart my progress:
I am getting stronger all the time. The last eight months have been very painful for me [following a severely slipped disc]. My back pain and acute sciatica have caused me more pain than I have ever known and the rehabilitation has been very slow and littered with setbacks. A regular routine of exercise is now the best way forward for me. Flexibility in my lower back is still a cause of frustration and pain, and the nerve pain in my leg and back can also be very demoralising. On the positive side, I am walking at least 40 miles a week at present and my back and legs are the strongest they have been for many years. Another six to eight months of continued exercise and rehabilitation should see a complete recovery. [As it turned out, I was wrong about this.]
I feel dizzy. I have documented in this journal that, having thought I had been making good progress with my personal development, I have realised most of the hard work is still to be done. Whilst this is by no means a setback, it has forced me to re-evaluate who I am. My work with Karaj has provided me with so much information and opportunity that at times I feel overwhelmed.
My life is undergoing a fundamental change. I am learning new ways of living and new ways of appreciating myself. It is a welcome change but is nonetheless an upheaval which takes its toll. The concentration of new information and insights does have an effect on my mental state but it is nothing I cannot handle and, what’s more, I welcome everything that is happening to me. I am sure when I return to Germany, everything will slowly unfold and I will appreciate the fullness of the learning I am experiencing.
[As already stated elsewhere in this blog, I had planned to return to Germany in a matter of months. Instead, I stayed and worked with Karaj for four years.]
I am in relatively good shape. Over the years, and during the last three years in particular, I have had a number of emotional problems in my relationships. In 1997 I felt close to some sort of emotional breakdown and since then it has been a struggle to find my way back to where I am today. I have had setbacks along the way, caused mainly by not having learned vital lessons. My work with Karaj is helping me enormously to identify my script and so avoid the sorts of situations which cause the emotional turmoil.
One of the main areas of attention is my Parent ego state. It is so underdeveloped as to cause me to dwell almost permanently in the Child ego state (the emotional state). As a consequence, I am a very emotional person. At times, this is advantageous, but to live every day in an emotional state is both wasteful and extremely tiring. When the situation calls for emotions I can be very effective but when I find myself needing to be emotionally detached in order to function, I become frustrated because my emotions always get the better of me.
Clearly, there are certain instances where emotional detachment is necessary but, as things stand, it is something I find very hard to achieve. I constantly have to remind myself that the Parent ego state has no emotions (strictly, this is not true, of course). This helps me to hang on for a little longer but eventually, after only a short time – usually seconds – my Child ego state comes barging back in and takes over.