Two days ago I read that one of the most important things in life is to be true to and honest with yourself. I can be quite hard with myself (and others) so it is important to relate to oneself and everyone else not with angry words and a loud voice, but with love and compassion. As with yesterday’s entry, love and compassion can only come from the Parent ego state (TA). Yesterday Karaj said something similar: ‘If I have to criticise then I walk away’. There’s no need to point out people’s faults to them. Just leave them to it and walk away.
Now, this week I have been talking to Samantha. There was a possibility we would meet up yesterday and we had a trip to the cinema arranged for Friday. She has been her usual, insensitive self, taking little account of others’ feelings because she’s is so wrapped up in herself. I struggled to get to sleep last night and this morning I phoned her to cancel Friday. I told her I was cancelling because I felt confused and messed up. I could have gone on to criticise her – and a part of me wanted to – but I remained calm and talked to her with love and compassion.
Aspects of her behaviour still annoy me but what annoys me more is that she seems to have no idea she has such an effect on me, nor how she does it. And that’s the important part: if she doesn’t know, then what’s the point of me telling her? Instead of criticising her I just walked away.
As a result of that phone call I had a new experience: it felt good to deal with a potentially explosive issue calmly. On top of that, I feel free of the influence which has been affecting me so much. One aspect of the phone call with which I was particularly pleased was my use of the Parent ego state – as I reached for the phone my heart was pounding and I felt very emotional. I told myself that everything was okay and that I had to do this. I tried to be mature about it and it worked very well. It worked.
Self praise – this is a topic which keeps coming up. It is vitally important to praise myself. This morning I did just that for completing my exercises when I felt like staying in bed and also for a difficult phone call which I executed just as I had intended.
Positives of the day
- Having woken up tired, I did very well to complete my exercises this morning.
- The phone call to cancel my date with Samantha was a big step towards freedom and the Parent ego state.
- Today was the men’s group – always a positive. I received my appraisal from Karaj for the first contract.
- Everybody looked at it and acknowledged the effort I had made and the feelings I had felt. I saw that I am fortunate because not everybody can feel as effectively as I can. It was an empowering experience to receive people’s feedback. I felt proud and humble. Proud because of what I had achieved and humble because in many ways it had all seemed so natural and enriching for me.
- I have read through my journal today. I am impressed not only with my writing but also the benefits of keeping regular notes on who I am, how I feel and where I’m going. Brilliant.