Listen to Myself

Thursday 20 April, 2000

Last night Samantha phoned. She’s given me a headache. I don’t have any physical pain but something about her is annoying me. I never seem to have her undivided attention. She’s never fully there; a fact supported by her inability to listen to anything I say.

We have arranged to see each other on Saturday evening. The question is whether I’m in danger of doing myself more harm than good. Personally I don’t consider the situation to be too dangerous just so long as I’m aware of what I’m getting myself into.

I need to be aware of her sapping my energy. It seems to me that the reason she always has so much energy to spend time with so many people is that she lives off their energy. She makes them feel good while she is around them and then leaves them drained.

There are some other things about her character which puzzle me. Why, for instance, does a person who thinks herself to be so wonderful feel the need to talk about herself so much? And why does someone who talks so much not appreciate the beauty of listening?

This is the source of my headache. I have spent too much time thinking I must be wrong, that I must be misjudging her and that maybe I am the only one who considers these traits to be deficiencies of character?

At the end of the day, It doesn’t matter what any others think. I need to listen to myself; to how I feel. Up until now I have not had the courage of my convictions, but I owe it to myself to sort this out once and for all.

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