Friendship with Myself

Monday 29 May, 2000

There’s no need to search outside of myself for fulfilment. Everything I need I already possess. Friendship with myself is the most important thing:

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Adjusting to My Own Company

Sunday 28 May, 2000

I had another good weekend. I spent it back home with some old friends. Today I spent the day on my own trying to get used to being alone. After such an enjoyable weekend in such good company it always takes time to adjust to my own company. I am not as sad as I have been in the past in similar circumstances but it is still a bit tricky coping with the loneliness.

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Unconscious Games

Monday 22 May, 2000

Samantha phoned twice while I was away so I phoned her back last night. She wants to see me and for me to talk to her so she can listen. Changes don’t happen that quickly and it will be difficult for me to talk to someone who doesn’t usually listen to me.

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Amongst Friends

Saturday 20 May, 2000

I went to London to see my friends. I had a great time. At Ed’s on Saturday I felt the same as last weekend. We had a good day together; relaxed, chatty, friendly and comfortable. Ed noticed a difference in me and remarked how content I seem. He’s right. There was none of the negativity and passivity which have been prominent in my life for many years. As I keep proving to myself time and again, I can.

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Feeling good today. I’m still tired but today it has more to do with a late night than anything else. I went to see Tom last night. He phoned and I was more than happy to drop by but I didn’t get excited in the way I had with Eric’s phone call.

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Analysis & Clues

Thursday 18 May, 2000

Yesterday I received a phone call from Eric inviting me down to London a day earlier to spend the night with some of the boys. Initially I was excited although I don’t particularly like one of the group. I told him I would give it some thought.

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Further Evidence of Change

Tuesday 16 May, 2000

Samantha phoned me last night. She’d had one of those melancholy days and she missed me. She cried. I handled the situation well. I did not get drawn into reassuring her and that helped me to stay emotionally secure. The truth is, she has had plenty of opportunities to be with me, to listen to what I have to say and to get to know me. It may be that yesterday she realised what she had missed and regretted not making more of the chances she had. I told her I have had many days like that but now I’m trying to sort my life out.

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Weekend Review

Monday 15 May, 2000

Yesterday was much the same as Saturday; beautiful weather and a flow to the day which allowed me to relax and be taken along. I returned home and went out with Aubrey & Tom. It was nice to end the weekend amongst men and even there I noticed a difference in myself. I was more relaxed, more open, more at ease with who I am. Brilliant.

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Setting New Standards

Saturday 13 May, 2000

Everything seemed to fall into place today without having to worry or think about it. I behaved differently and I found it easy and natural to do so. I found time for myself, even in company. During the time I spent at mum’s house I observed how the group divided itself into women and men. I left the women well alone and for maybe the first time in my life I realised how comforting it is to walk away from them and not get involved in any conversations or games.

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Noticeable Progress

Friday 12 May, 2000

This evening’s men’s group was the start of a ground-breaking weekend of relaxed, flowing fun. I felt different. More aware of myself and of others. I engaged myself much more in the group and enjoyed the interactions. As it turned out it would be the same all weekend.

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My Balance Is My Success

Thursday 11 May, 2000

Working hard to keep my feet on the floor. Spoke to an old colleague last night about a return to Commerzbank in Frankfurt. She said that they have recently been looking for people. It all sounds promising.

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Grounding Myself

Wednesday 10 May, 2000

I’m excited and I need to ground myself. Yesterday was another good day and last night I contacted a friend and arranged my trip to London.

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Survival & Growth

Tuesday 9 May, 2000

When we enter this world our priority is survival and the only thing that keeps us alive, aside from those who care for us, is our survival instinct. When we are hungry our instincts demand food and when we are thirsty they demand water. When life presents us with one of its infinite dilemmas our instincts demand action in order that we survive. The consequences of our actions are, in their simplest form, either survival or death.

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Fears versus Facts

Sunday 7 May, 2000

This morning I realised that my biggest fear is to be left to cope on my own.

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