Further Evidence of Change

Tuesday 16 May, 2000

Samantha phoned me last night. She’d had one of those melancholy days and she missed me. She cried. I handled the situation well. I did not get drawn into reassuring her and that helped me to stay emotionally secure. The truth is, she has had plenty of opportunities to be with me, to listen to what I have to say and to get to know me. It may be that yesterday she realised what she had missed and regretted not making more of the chances she had. I told her I have had many days like that but now I’m trying to sort my life out.

She acknowledges that she is not completely happy being the person she is; that everybody thinks she is there for them but no-one is necessarily there for her. I had no problem resisting the urge to help or advise her. It was enough for me to listen to her finally tell me that she isn’t as content as she always makes out. I felt remarkably calm and at ease with the situation. I feel as if the changes I noticed in the men’s group and all through the weekend are still there. It’s as if I’m an improved version of myself.

I discussed the call with Karaj and he pointed out to me that Samantha was unconsciously trying to hook me in. Her comments such as ‘I want to be like you’, ‘I want to listen to you’, ‘I want to get to know you’ are great warning signals of the games that not even she knows she’s playing. It is, at times, very sophisticated stuff. I need to be careful not to get sucked into her energy-sapping games. In fact today, I felt slightly subdued – a little down. So, no matter how pleased with myself I was at how well I’d handled the call, she still got me.

The last couple of days I have been really tired. I filled my weekend to the brim so it’s hardly surprising but it also feels as if I’ve worked really hard to make this breakthrough with myself and I just need to get my breath back.

Related post: Unconscious Games

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