Thoughts on Others’ Feelings

Sunday 4 June, 2000

What follows is a summary of the comments I have written over the past few days.

When I move to back to Germany later this year I will be leaving people behind whom I will miss. What’s worse is it makes me sad to think people might miss me. I think this sadness may have more to do with my expectations and assumptions of other people’s feelings than anything else. This is a very important issue for me. My expectations are a waste of time and energy. I cannot emphasise this enough. They are a waste. They serve no purpose whatsoever. They can only have negative consequences.

Even if situations do meet my expectations, what have I achieved? Nothing. I have absolutely nothing to gain from hypothesising about how people may or may not feel. It is a pointless exercise and my time and energy can be put to better use elsewhere. It is difficult enough to get to the bottom of my own feelings; my time would be better spent doing that. It is something I need to practice. I notice in the men’s group that one of the most commonly asked questions is ‘How do you feel?‘ Only four words but it is a question which causes enough consternation to leave people speechless.

It is not something we are used to. Every one of us is a master of disguise when it comes to feelings, but only a few are sufficiently in touch with their feelings to be able to track them each minute of the day. We all have the ability to disguise our feelings, so why do I persist in trying to work out other people’s feelings when I could and should be making the necessary effort to decipher my own. My focus is outside of myself when it should be inside. What do I want? What’s important to me?

After a talk with Karaj he has advised me to record my feelings with special attention to feelings of abandonment.

I am the only constant in my life and I am enough of a constant to keep myself happy. But still, I am forever changing. And I change according to the experiences I have in the world and how I perceive those experiences. The people and situations which cross my path leave an indelible impression on my being. In effect I carry those people and situations with me always in the person I am and the person I am becoming. There is no need to miss them because their essence is always with me.

Related post: The Importance of Feelings

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