An Old Friend & The Old Me

Wednesday 14 June, 2000

On Saturday I arrived here at my friend’s place in Germany for a three-week holiday. It is clear that the old me is very present here. This country, this city and, to a great extent, this flat and the company I am keeping here are all very much a part of the old me. I can feel it very strongly and I feel challenged by it.

As of my thoughts about returning full-time to Germany; there is still a real part of me which remembers how I felt at the banks and why I resigned. Walking through the city yesterday, via the job agency and back along the river, I kept wondering to myself whether or not I could do it. I have no answer to that except to say that it will be my biggest challenge yet.

I had a good talk with Francis this morning. We talked generally about some of the things which have changed my life, and it was nice to see Francis open up. We do have some very enjoyable discussions although his emotional side is proving to be a challenge for me. Some time ago Karaj said to me when I reach the parent ego state, I will be glad that I came at it from the emotional side. Now I understand what he means.

Francis seems to be emotionally detached from the world in many ways and yet, paradoxically, he seems to be so passionate about the state of the world. He is not too optimisitc about the future of our planet. It is a challenge for me not to take it personally.

Last night I felt I was spending time with a father figure who struggles to open up. I also feel as if it’s my fault that he seems so detached; as if it’s something I’ve said or done. This is nonsense, of course. Francis and I are equals. I have given him as much as he has given me.


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