Be Careful

Monday 31 July, 2000

My back troubled me today. The pain from yesterday was still present and served as a huge reminder to me to be careful and aware of what I’m doing. It is possible that all the talk of my back going in July has become a self-fulfilling prophecy. There is no need to talk to people about it because they only serve to remind me of it. In fact, mum reminded me of it yesterday after lunch around the time it started to hurt. I don’t want to be mothered any more. On the positive side – my pain has made me more conscious of my back and of what I need to do to protect it. Be careful around women. Stay away if I can. There has been a lot of contact with women leading up to this pain. Today I have kept out of their way and the pain has eased slightly.

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Food for Thought

Sunday 30 July, 2000

Exercise and meditation went well. The relaxation and the letting go of the breathing are going very well. They seem to extend my sitting time effortlessly which is a great thing.

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Wednesday 26 July, 2000

I exercised this morning. I woke up bashing myself up for not having done any for a few days and also for not doing more with my time (e.g. my journal). Also, Andy is only here until August 4th. At the moment I feel like taking next week off too. I’ll speak to Karaj about it today. Anyway, I feel much better for exercising. Good discipline. It’s clear just how important it is to me. It makes a big difference to my day.

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Brothers & Mothers

Sunday 23 July, 2000

Last night I did not feel particularly tired – I was quite high from the feedback I received in the group. The comments are still with me. I transcribed the tape today. The men’s comments are a source of inspiration for me as my writings were inspiration for the men. Magic.

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Saturday Men’s Group

Saturday 22 July, 2000

I attended my first Saturday Men’s Group today (it is more intense than the Thursday group with a couple of additional attendees). I read a couple of pages picked randomly from my journal.

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Friday 21 July, 2000

Breathing in I calm my body
Breathing out I smile
Dwelling in the present moment
I know this is a wonderful moment

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Adapted & Rebellious Behaviour

Thursday 20 July, 2000

Exercised well this morning and the meditation went well again. My breathing really does relax if I sit through the panic. I only sit for 5-10 minutes at the moment but the breakthrough with my relaxation and breathing is massive – it’s only taken me 2 years!

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Relax, Then Relax Some More

Wednesday 19 July, 2000

This morning I exercised again with deliberation. It went well. So too did the meditation. It may have only been for ten minutes but I made an important breakthrough. I have always found it difficult to relax whilst meditating and even if I achieve relaxation my breathing becomes very short and irregular – I panic.

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Slow Down

Tuesday 18 July, 2000

Last night I felt a little deflated. Today, however, I started the day with my exercises and I enjoyed them very much. I exercised more deliberately and more slowly this morning. It was more calm and relaxed. There is no reason why I cannot maintain those qualities in my everyday life.

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Too Much Gratitude

Sunday 16 July, 2000

After discussion with Karaj it is clear that I thanked Deborah too much. To show my gratitude it is only necessary to say ‘thank you’ once. Too much gratitude can be easily misinterpreted – especially in cross-gender relationships.

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A Transient Connection

Saturday 15 July, 2000

[I include this entry because it is an example of how, as Karaj later explained to me, from a TA point of view I was in the Adapted Child ego state the whole time. Also, this entry is referenced in a later entry (‘Adapted & Rebellious Behaviour’) which makes an interesting comparison between Adapted Child and Rebellious Child behaviour. I never saw the girl again after this evening.]

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Good Feedback & Patience

Tuesday 11 July, 2000

Yesterday I had a very good feedback session with Karaj. Most of the points raised relate to my journal entries from the last 4-5 weeks. One thing I must say is that I feel things are moving again. Since that wonderful weekend in May I have felt at rest as far as my learning has been concerned.

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The Company of Men

Saturday 8 July, 2000

Today I went to Liverpool with the men’s group. We went for lunch, visited the Maritime Museum and the Tate Museum and returned the same evening. It was great. I knew it would be but, as with the trip to Edinburgh, it surpassed any expectations I might have had. I met four new people (from the Saturday Group). It all felt so comfortable and the nine of us enjoyed a seamless day of relaxed company and good banter.

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When Joking Hurts

Friday 7 July, 2000

The men’s group yesterday was concerned with how we react to personal (verbal) assaults. I take them personally and it can be upsetting and damaging for me. We compared two contrasting situations: the comic banter where jokes are made at someone’s expense, and the personal attacks which can occur at work or, well, anywhere.

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