Not My Best Day

Wednesday 5 July, 2000

Three days ago I returned from my holiday in Frankfurt. I had a great time. Now, back home, I feel down. I knew it was going to happen but I didn’t think I would feel this bad. I feel as though I’m back to square one. After my experience at the bank last week I feel as though I can never go back. It was as if all my worst fears were confirmed. I’d been right all along. It’s not for me.

Spoke to Karaj this morning and he put my mind at rest (again!) that I’m all right and I’m doing well. It was lovely to see him again and it put me in a much better mood instantly. I understand what he tells me but still I feel down. This morning I felt as if I am on the wrong planet; somewhere there is a planet which is far more suited to who I am. I feel as though it is a constant struggle to keep my head above water in this society.

What’s worse is that I compare myself unfavourably with others. It’s not as if I don’t realise the futility of it either. I understand that any comparison I might make between myself and another can only be based on limited information. There’s no way on earth I can fully appreciate the life of another human being. Even if there were complete honesty, I could never feel the emotions of another and, as such, any comparison is an illusion. I understand this, yet I persist with the comparisons and my mood continues.

My holiday to Germany was better than I expected. I saw all the people I wanted to see and I enjoyed a very relaxing football holiday with two very good friends. Karaj has helped me to see that despite any negative elements in my life at the moment, the fact that Francis opened up to me during the holiday is worth more than anything else. Indeed it has brought Francis and I closer together and our friendship is now stronger than ever. So, although my life seems, at times, to be a stagnant mess, there are people close to me who consider me to be enough of a friend to confide in me and who consider me capable of the kind of support I think we all need. That is an achievement I can be proud of.

As the day wears on my mood returns. Despite understanding what Karaj tells me and the comfort his words bring, I have my reasons for feeling low. I can work through my problems logically and for a few seconds I can reassure myself, but for the majority of the time my thoughts are simply too powerful for any logical argument.

I feel as though, at my age, the world expects me to be settled. Not necessarily in a house with a wife and a family but my role in society should be established so everyone is aware of the contribution I am making. At present my contribution is pitiful. I am almost of no use to the world I live in. Being a nice person is not a marketable commodity. I must be in a position to offer the world something. It’s almost as if I owe society something for allowing me to sit at its table, even though it’s a crap table in a crap room in a crap house.

After a talk with Karaj it seems I have a choice to make. Either make a success of my life as society sees it or make a success of my life as I see it. It is a choice between the outward journey and the inward journey. Considering what I have written so far, the choice is clear. I have said that I lack the will and belief to sort my life out. That is very true as far as society is concerned but the inward journey is something for which I will always have strength and determination. It is the one important and vital journey in life and everything else pails into insignificance in comparison.

This could also help me with my comparison problem. How can I compare two inward journeys? I can’t. It’s impossible. I find it easier to compare two outward journeys and that is what I do. If I were to concentrate my efforts on my inward journey and know that I could never compare myself to other people then maybe my tendency to compare will fade and disappear. This has been a useful piece of advice. Concentrate on the inside and the outside will take care of itself.

Thanks again, Karaj.

Related post: Am I the Person I Wish to Be?

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