Adapted & Rebellious Behaviour

Thursday 20 July, 2000

Exercised well this morning and the meditation went well again. My breathing really does relax if I sit through the panic. I only sit for 5-10 minutes at the moment but the breakthrough with my relaxation and breathing is massive – it’s only taken me 2 years!

I had another feedback session with Karaj this morning. It seems that there are three things I need to sort out:

  • My relationship with my mum
  • My relationship with the world
  • My relationship with myself

It is vital that I sort out my relationship with my mum in order to be able to move on.

As far as the world is concerned, I hated it 5 years ago and was convinced that we were all doomed unless there were radical changes. Nowadays I am much more optimistic, but still not positive enough. As Karaj says, the world is fine – it’s me who has all the problems.

Then there’s me. We talked about honesty again this morning and the upshot of our conversation is that if I consider the world would be a better place if we were all more honest with ourselves and each other, then it’s because I have a problem myself. It’s true that I don’t consider myself to be as honest as I could be but the extent of my honesty is limited by the feelings of others. Or should that be my feelings? Probably.

These three relationships which need sorting out are all, in their own right, massive. I feel tired just thinking about them, but I am determined to achieve progress because I know that I will benefit and I know that it will give me great peace of mind. And if there’s one thing I desire more than anything at the moment it is a peaceful mind.

[Karaj commented further on this writing, saying the things are not massive – I am creating an illusion that they are. Also, I am in a game if these things make me tired, because I am making an illusion real. Finally, he added that I am already peaceful.]

I spent a lovely lunch with Karaj and Arun. Following a delicious meal we retired to the garden where Karaj and Arun eventually got into a heated discussion regarding Arun’s personal development. The overriding thought in my mind was that Arun would rather prove something to Karaj rather than learn from him.

The debate centred around the concept of surrender. Karaj brought me into the argument at the latter stages to reinforce what he was trying to say but still Arun could not seem to grasp the point. Despite all of Arun’s stubbornness, Karaj managed to take credit for the development which Arun has made and re-affirmed his commitment to her further development.

In addition he continually put the responsibility back on Arun, saying that he could only react to what she was writing in her journal – it was almost as if he were challenging her to either surrender to herself or give up working with him as an equal business partner.

Afterwards the two of them settled back into an amicable friendship with a distinct lack of animosity or residual bad feeling. This struck me as strange after such a passionate debate. I remarked that the atmosphere was just as if the two of them had had sex and were relaxing in the glory of their achievements.

Karaj pointed out that their talk had been the flipside of my extended dialogue with Deborah; one hour of rebellious discussion as opposed to 20 hours of adapted discussion. The results were the same but achieved in a fraction of the time.


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