Handling Generosity

Wednesday 30 August, 2000

I received some feedback from Karaj regarding the tuition of Michelle and Bridget (I had given them some basic word processing tuition). He told me I had been too generous and had given too much. The problem being that some people cannot deal with generosity.

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Tuesday 29 August, 2000

Happy Birthday. This is my gift to myself:

A year ago I was in great pain and didn’t know what to do. I was in despair and desperate to get myself out of the cycle of physical pain which had plagued me for many years and which seemed to have reached its peak last summer. The progress I have made since then has seemed slow, but it has been constant. A year on I still have back pain but I am well on my way to becoming fitter and healthier than I have been for well over ten years. Moreover, I am becoming more emotionally grounded and my mental state is soothing where it was once frustrated. With Karaj’s invaluable guidance I have worked hard to get myself back on my feet and to grow as an individual.

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Every Inch Has To Be Walked

Sunday 27 August, 2000

Karaj has just phoned. I talked about the mind and that I’d never have thought six months ago that I’d be able to do what I’m doing – that I’d have made the progress I’ve made. It’s only possible because all the tiny steps which have been made up until now have to be made.

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The Mind

Thursday 24 August, 2000

Three topics so far this week have given me much to think about: Patience, Comparisons and the Mind.

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Be With the Boredom

Wednesday 23 August, 2000

After all the talk yesterday about the nature of the mind, it seems that my mind is doing its best to convince me that my life is a mess. On top of everything else I’m bored and frustrated. This is what my mind does to me – aren’t I the lucky one?

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Patience & Comparisons

Tuesday 22 August, 2000

After yesterday’s talk with Karaj, my thoughts have been with the ideas of patience and comparison. I compare myself to others. My weekend in Brighton was spent with many good people and for me, comparisons are inevitable. Some seem more mature than me, funnier, more relaxed with themselves, better off, more secure, more confident, more dynamic, more assertive, friendlier, more sociable, more in control, with greater self-assurance and more genuine.

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I’m Exactly Where I Need to Be

Monday 21 August, 2000

After a short conversation with Karaj regarding the reservations I have about my life at the moment he advised me to stop worrying, relax, take this opportunity of a lifetime to do important self-development work and resolve some vital issues once and for all.

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Don’t Just Do Something, Sit There

Sunday 20 August, 2000

Made it for breakfast again and then sat on the pebble beach for an hour or so listening to the waves and getting back to who I am after a weekend of consumption. I forgave myself for my indulgences which was a lovely feeling as I had started the day reprimanding myself for the intoxication and some elements of my behaviour.

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Saturday 19 August, 2000

I arrived yesterday at the hotel in Brighton after a walk along the seafront. The others turned up in a trickle of people over the next few hours. It’s Ed’s stag weekend. We all gathered in the bar and immediately slotted into the friendships we have forged over the last 10 years. It was great to see everyone and from then on the whole weekend just flowed.

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Imagined & Real

Wednesday 16 August, 2000

I have noticed over the last 36 hours that I am getting angry at hypothetical situations. This has been a trait of mine for many years and was prevalent during my time as a young man who desperately wanted the world to change and for people to wake up to themselves. My thoughts drift to an imagined scenario or conversation. I imagine how the conversation will go and run through it in my head. I quickly lose my patience and become angry with the other person and eventually lose control of the situation. The scenario is imagined but the resulting anger and frustration are real. It doesn’t occur so often these days but it has happened 4 or 5 times over the last two days.

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Clearing Out My Life

Friday 11 August, 2000

I feel slightly better this morning. My intake of liquids has been good and I may even eat this afternoon if all goes well. Talked to Karaj. It is definitely to do with my mum. However, she is still my mum. There is no need to react against her for what she doesn’t realise she’s doing. Simply carry on but be aware. Also, I am very keen to continue with this process of cleansing. It’s about keeping every aspect of my life clean; my exercise area, the food I consume, the way I live my life, the way I deal with people and so on.

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…and Continues

Thursday 10 August, 2000

The worst day so far. I had two glasses of water this morning thinking it might help to clear my system. It did. A few hours later I threw up. I spoke to Karaj. He says that everything is ‘lovely’. With the meditation it means the dirt is coming out. A fact supported by the vomiting. He spoke to me about Robert not listening to what he tells him but that at least I do. I trust Karaj even though I may not like some of the things he tells me. But that’s the whole point; I’m changing my patterns, I’m doing things differently. I don’t want my old loops to continue and Karaj is helping me to change.

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The Pain Continues…

Wednesday 9 August, 2000

Still have the headache. Still in bed. Eric phoned and we had a good chat. It’s funny but I expected him to call because I had wanted to phone him last night but was not well enough to do so. We are both looking forward to Ed’s stag weekend. He also told me about a job he had been invited to apply for with a salary of 120k. Very impressive, but then that’s what Eric is about.

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The Consequences

Tuesday 8 August, 2000

Yesterday I returned home with a headache and felt lonely. I exercised and made myself something to eat, which cheered me up. When I woke up this morning I had and still have a splitting headache.

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