The Pain Continues…

Wednesday 9 August, 2000

Still have the headache. Still in bed. Eric phoned and we had a good chat. It’s funny but I expected him to call because I had wanted to phone him last night but was not well enough to do so. We are both looking forward to Ed’s stag weekend. He also told me about a job he had been invited to apply for with a salary of 120k. Very impressive, but then that’s what Eric is about.

I thought to myself that the person I am, will not come into his own for a few years yet. Society grooms us to hit the big time between 30 and 40 (in sporting and science arenas, it’s even younger), whereas the path I am following tends not to pay dividends until years later. There is no need for me to worry about my position in life – I am still working on the foundations of a life of peace and harmony.

I spoke to Karaj – he recommended a meditation beginning with my focus on my breathing and then moving my concentration to my head and let any thoughts or feelings come up. I did this for 35 minutes and nothing came up except for a fleeting thought that ‘I hate it when I suffer because of others’. Otherwise I just drifted in and out of sleep. Interestingly, after the meditation I felt worse than before I started.

At around 7pm I was physically sick. I’d hardly eaten anything during the day so there wasn’t much to throw up.

On Karaj’s advice I spoke to Robert. We had a good conversation and discovered many parallels between us in our behaviour towards women. He mentioned trying to break the loops of a lifetime which have always kept us comfortable. At present I am trying to break my mothering loop. It isn’t easy and it certainly isn’t comfortable – it’s painful but worthwhile, and also satisfying.

Katja phoned and it was good to speak German – mine is still of a very high standard despite the lack of practice. We had a lovely talk but one thing Katja did say was that next time I’m over she must cook for me my favourite dish. Please, no more food. In the last 24 hours, I’ve had phone calls from three women. I have informed NONE of them that I am unwell. I do not need mothering.

[This post, and all the others between 23rd July 2000 and 11th August 2000, should be read in conjunction with the current post, ‘It’s My Script’, from 8th August 2011.]


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