Birthday

Tuesday 29 August, 2000

Happy Birthday. This is my gift to myself:

A year ago I was in great pain and didn’t know what to do. I was in despair and desperate to get myself out of the cycle of physical pain which had plagued me for many years and which seemed to have reached its peak last summer. The progress I have made since then has seemed slow, but it has been constant. A year on I still have back pain but I am well on my way to becoming fitter and healthier than I have been for well over ten years. Moreover, I am becoming more emotionally grounded and my mental state is soothing where it was once frustrated. With Karaj’s invaluable guidance I have worked hard to get myself back on my feet and to grow as an individual.

I have been made aware of the damage I have done to myself in order to be looked after. Being mothered has been such a huge part of my existence that I have unconsciously done myself harm in order to draw women to me who will take care of me. Once this became clear to me I knew what I had to do. It has been vital that I gain my independence. It has been hard work, but necessary. Nevertheless I am astounded at the progress I have achieved and the potential for self-development when the commitment to change is made.

12 months may seem a long time. Certainly, when I was laid out on my back a year ago I wanted instant relief. I couldn’t wait. I wanted the pain to stop. It didn’t but as I made moves in the right direction it did start to subside. And now, looking back at just how far I have come since then, it is amazing how much change can be affected in such a short time – in that respect 12 months doesn’t seem long enough for what has happened to me. I have made improvements on all levels:

Physical – my pain is decreasing all the time and my body is stronger. I am healthier and recent developments have instigated a cleansing process which has encouraged me to cleanse all aspects of my life.

Mental – I do not torture myself as much as I used to with depressing thoughts about the world or negative thoughts about myself and others. I am more positive. Again, recent developments have seen a breakthrough in my relationship with my own mind which I know will lead me to an even greater understanding of who I am.

Emotional – By distancing myself from all women my emotions have been given time to settle. I am more emotionally stable and the more independent I become the better it will be. I am slowly developing my Parent ego state, whilst still retaining all my emotional potential.

For the next 12 months I will continue on my journey. I will continue to improve and develop myself as I have done over the last 12 months. The potential for change is unlimited. All I need is the desire and the commitment. When I consider the improvements I have made in the last year, it would be impossible for me not to want similar progress in the year to come. I have the desire, I have the commitment and I have the guidance.

It is important for me to further develop my Parent ego state. The glimpses of it I have had so far have had a calming effect on me and to think that I can add to that calmness is all the motivation I need. Also, my independence will grow in the coming year as I stand even more firmly on my own two feet and as I learn to embrace aloneness more and more.

As I reflect on the past and consider the future I am content in the present.


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