Sharing My Progress

Saturday 28 October, 2000

Edited the notes from the Training Workshop for the men’s group. I went through the same process as outlined yesterday. It applies to everything. This means I am likely to feel demotivated before any undertaking but it is not a problem because I now know what to look for and, with patience, I will achieve my goals. Brilliant.

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The Road to Excellence

Friday 27 October, 2000

Yesterday we worked until 9pm putting up the safety wall in the garden. It took us about three hours in total. After about 20 minutes I was demoralised and frustrated. Nevertheless, the two of us carried on in the darkness with just a lamp to guide us. As has been usual throughout this garden project, we did an excellent job.

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Celebrate More Often

Thursday 26 October, 2000

Today I feel tired and stiff after yesterday’s exertions, but I’m more contented than the previous few days. I noticed this morning, in the minute or two between getting up and starting my exercises, that I (or my mind) was trying to make me feel bad. As I recall it wasn’t anything in particular, it was just general pessimism and gloom. If this is how I start my day it is no wonder I worry so much.

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Playing Safe & Small

Wednesday 25 October, 2000

I started the day still feeling down about things. I have felt overloaded because the amount and nature of the learning points from the weekend have had a demoralising effect on me. There is no need for it because every point on the list can be achieved if I just slow down. However, that is a source of frustration because it is not as easy as it would seem. I keep telling myself ‘just let me get this done and then I’ll slow down’, which doesn’t really get me anywhere.

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Face How Good You Are

Tuesday 24 October, 2000

Yesterday the weather changed and it was time to leave the cottage. After breakfast we tidied up, packed our things and drove home. I had spent the last 3½ days as part of a group of kind people in a beautiful setting and now I was alone in the city. I went to bed early and slept very well.

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Analysing Scripts

Sunday 22 October, 2000

Yesterday was such a wonderful day. Everything flowed so well. There was no problem with any aspect of the day. The five of us seemed to move as one. If anybody had a specific request we all just went with it. At one point on the walk I stopped to look out to sea. Everyone stopped and we all had a rest for five minutes before carrying on. It is such a pleasurable experience to spend time in such safe and supportive male company. It has helped to reinforce the essence of relaxing into the flow: slow down, relax and experience the unfolding of events as the Universe and everything in it simply creates. Maybe the reason I often feel that I have not done enough with my time and opportunities is because I am not in the here and now when they occur.

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The Futility of Worry

Saturday 21 October, 2000

I dreamt that Sunil came to me and informed me that the rest of the group did not trust me fully. I must be careful about being too frivolous. Woke up, got up and exercised in the lounge. Good work. After breakfast we had a relaxed morning around the fire. It was very comfortable. I chatted with Dev. Eventually everyone became involved in the conversation. Except for Calvin who kept his own counsel.

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A Weekend in Wales

Friday 20 October, 2000

This afternoon I’m off to Wales to share a cottage with Sunil, Calvin, Dev and Naveen for the weekend. I started the day by forgetting my radio (for the football) and my alarm clock (to get me up for my exercises), which put me in a disappointed mood.

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The World As A Reflection Of Self

Wednesday 18 October, 2000

I have given further thought to the conversation I had with Karaj yesterday. My initial reaction was that I am not hard on myself at all. But that is discounting the influence of my ‘Be Perfect’ driver which gives rise to comments such as ‘not good enough’ or ‘you should do better’ or ‘you’ll never be able to…’.

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Be Kinder to Myself

Tuesday 17 October, 2000

Karaj has explained that the annoyance which people trigger in me is my annoyance. If I am irritated and something about somebody else has triggered it off, that is wonderful because then I can address my irritation and get to the bottom of something which could be very important. I could then release it and move on. There doesn’t necessarily have to be any correlation between the trigger and the irritation. Once it has been triggered I can concentrate on the annoyance and work it out. How I do that, however, is beyond me at the moment. [Karaj: How?!]

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Self-Conscious or Self-Aware

Friday 13 October, 2000

Parent ego state really is a state where the emotions don’t reside (or to a much lesser extent than the Child ego state).

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Give to Myself First

Thursday 12 October, 2000

The men’s group tonight was very good. After my time in the garden with Karaj recently, and particularly this morning when we worked so hard, I felt confident in the group and made more of a contribution than has been normal of late. As a result, I got more out it.

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Take the Opportunities

Monday 9 October, 2000

Yesterday I spent a couple of hours with Karaj and Robert. The main learning point of the day was to take opportunities when they come my way. The last eight months have been a remarkable opportunity for me. Every aspect of it, from Aubrey’s generosity to Karaj’s commitment and everything in between, has been ideal. For a long time I struggled with my conscience because I was living rent-free in Aubrey’s house.

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My Future is My Present

Saturday 7 October, 2000

I control my present and my future. Moreover, the two are inextricably linked. How I am in the present affects what will happen in my future. If I worry now, about something which will happen next week, not only will I ruin my present, my worries will almost certainly manifest themselves next week. [Karaj: What you sow, you reap.]

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