Playing Safe & Small

Wednesday 25 October, 2000

I started the day still feeling down about things. I have felt overloaded because the amount and nature of the learning points from the weekend have had a demoralising effect on me. There is no need for it because every point on the list can be achieved if I just slow down. However, that is a source of frustration because it is not as easy as it would seem. I keep telling myself ‘just let me get this done and then I’ll slow down’, which doesn’t really get me anywhere.

[Karaj: All of this is another example of your internal dialogue between your Controlling Parent and Adapted Child. Where is your Adult?]

More frustration is caused by my inability to observe. Having spoken to Karaj about it, it would seem that all I have to do is relax and be at ease with my lack of observational skills and then things will begin to change. The weekend at the cottage helped to highlight the problem and, although it has caused frustration in the short-term, it is a step towards recognising and accepting the way things are.

I feel much better after talking with Karaj. It would seem that Dev and Naveen both had their reservations about the weekend. Dev had somehow got it into his head that it wasn’t a success despite the fact that he enjoyed himself, and Naveen felt excluded despite expressing his feelings of being part of a ‘family’. This cheered me up for reasons I still cannot fathom. Maybe because I came away from the weekend feeling that I have so much hard work ahead of me and now it doesn’t seem so daunting. But why do I feel like that just because I hear that the others also have weekend hangovers? I guess because then I am not suffering alone.

[Karaj: You behave like this because then you can play small and, therefore, safe.]

Karaj and I had a great day in the garden. We worked extremely hard laying the patio, which I started yesterday, in an attempt to get everything finished for the weekend. I enjoyed putting down the paving stones as it gave my ‘Be Perfect’ driver (TA) the chance to shine. In addition, my back and knee(s) all did extremely well and apart from the understandable physical exhaustion there have been no ill-effects. Great news. Afterwards Karaj told me I need not worry about my ‘career’ because he is there to help and support me and that if I relax and have some fun, things will take their natural course and when the time is right everything will fall into place very quickly. One less reason to worry.

Related post: The Reality of Worry

Leave a Reply