More Aware & More Careful

Monday 6 November, 2000

Monday morning and I feel good. It’s almost as if I am buzzing excitedly inside but I still remain calm and balanced. I feel dynamic yet I am moving slowly, deliberately through life. I have received feedback from Karaj on the last few entries and I can see what it is I am doing.

Playing games in my mind.
I have internal dialogues with myself about all sorts of situations and it drains away my energy every time. There is no need. The dialogues never solve anything because I always just go round and round in circles until I get tired. I do not benefit in any way by indulging in these fantasies.

Considering other people at the expense of myself.
The more I sort myself out the more it spreads to those I love. There is no need for me to consider or worry about other people unnecessarily because when I look after myself they will benefit in ways which none of us could conceive of. And besides, who am I to think I can help other people? For all I know they are perfectly happy with their lives. Just because I would do things differently does not mean that they would benefit from my advice.

Toward the end of my walk home I felt a bit stiff from the weekend and when I bent down to pick up the mail I felt a twinge in my back. I wondered what it could mean and just assumed that I must take it easy tonight – perhaps no exercises, just a bath.

There was a message on the answer machine from Alex’s barrister about his compensation claim. I sat and tried to centre myself before returning her call but it didn’t feel right. It did not feel bad or ominous, I just felt as if I couldn’t be bothered. I could easily have convinced myself that everything would be okay but I wasn’t going to force myself. I considered the twinge I’d had minutes earlier and decided not to call her.

The main consideration in my decision was that I was not prepared to risk any of the progress I have made with myself. I have reached a stage where things are going very well – especially physically – and it is important to me to preserve that. It was all about looking after myself. This is the first time I have made such a decision and it felt empowering. I did not get excited about it. I was calm.

[That calmness and focus lasted all of 12 hours. Then I got cocky.]


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