Needing an Audience

Saturday 2 December, 2000

I took a cab from the station to Alex’s house. He has a lovely place. It’s quiet, out of the way and is the best place I think he’s ever lived. It’s no wonder he looked so well when I saw him last weekend. It’s probably the most sorted I have ever seen him. The question is, where’s his next fuck-up coming from? He is already signed off from work because of a wrist injury.

I felt immediately relaxed in the house and in Alex’s company, although the latter goes without saying. We chilled out for the day, took a walk to the supermarket and settled in for the evening. Alex made me laugh a lot as he always does with his stories, his attitude and his manner. His housemate came home from work and after a couple of glasses of wine decided he would go out. After he had left the house, Alex, leapt into spontaneous action telling me we’re going clubbing whilst at the same time phoning a cab. As with last night, I had settled in for the night, but this time I knew my fate was sealed, but I also knew that it would be okay and that I would enjoy myself. I was sure of that.

We entered the club and I went to the bar while Alex flitted from one person to another. Wherever he goes he always knows people. Earlier on his housemate had expressed concern that Alex is lonely, and whilst I did not disagree I was not concerned because I have seen some of the messes Alex has been in and I know he is much happier than he has been at times in the past. However, as I stood at the bar I could see what he had meant.

Alex is an entertainer and he does it very well. He is a genuinely loving person who is never more happy than when he has an audience. It’s when that audience is no longer around that Alex has his problems. This is very much like Samantha. She too needs contact with other people and has, on more than one occasion, told me of her insecure dissatisfaction with her own company. The audience is their life-blood; they cannot survive so well without it.


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