Playing With Confidence

Saturday 23 December, 2000

Got up in time for breakfast in the pub and the rest of the day in the sports bar. We played cards and I noticed the difference between now and the past. In the past I would have been nervous about making mistakes, mistakes would have been made, Andy would have commented on them, and I would have felt deflated, small and upset. However, this time I played with confidence and concentration, with the attitude that it didn’t matter if I lost or made mistakes because it is all just a learning process. Andy seemed to make sure I was all right in a gentle, unobtrusive way – he’s still my big brother.

Making it up as we go along. In the flow. There is no need to do too much planning because if we relax, everything will fall into place naturally. The day seemed to be flowing very nicely. I feel in the flow (don’t get cocky). Let myself shine – who I am is very good. I have nothing to prove.  ‘Don’t try to be a nice person when you are already nice’ – Karaj.

I notice how differently I see things these days. Just like the language comparison, I am becoming more and more fluent. It is becoming easier and easier for me to recognise the games we play and my observation skills are improving – cool. Also thought about my hatred of goodbyes. This could have something to do with having to say goodbye to my father every weekend as a child. It never seemed to get any better and to this day I still dislike Sundays.


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