Persevering Through the Dip

Monday 29 January, 2001

Up at 6.20am. Exercised for 50 minutes and made my way to the house. Karaj and I talked about the cycle we all go through regardless of the activity or project. In the beginning motivation, enthusiasm and energy are high. Towards the middle all these suffer a drop and it becomes difficult to continue. It is at this stage where we need the most discipline. We need to fight on and persevere. As we near the end of whatever it is we are doing, our energy rises once more and we rediscover our enthusiasm.

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What is the Truth?

Saturday 20 January, 2001

First men’s group of the year. It lasted a total of 14 hours. Last night I was so tired after working hard all week and all last weekend, that I had lost some enthusiasm for today’s group. I had just wanted to go to bed and rest but we still had work to do for the newsletter. Karaj was in a similar frame of mind. We were both running on empty and I wondered how I would make it through today, especially with the 9am start. The evening went on longer than I had expected but we managed to finish the newsletter in time for today’s group and this morning I got up at 7am feeling ready for action.

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Let Go

Wednesday 17 January, 2001

No exercises this morning. It was too cold and I was too stiff from last night. Today we finished off our project in the loft. We hung the door, put the finishing touches to the shelving and completed the library. The bookshelves were a joy to erect because of Karaj’s specially designed, made-to-measure frames. In the middle of this final task Karaj was called away. I continued with the library and Karaj joined me as I was beginning to clear up.

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Protecting My Space

Tuesday 16 January, 2001

I went dancing. I walked the 4½ miles to the venue and had a great time again. On the way there I had the same thoughts as before – what am I doing? Where is all this going? It seems strange after being with myself for so long with only the odd venture into recognised company, that I should be throwing myself into this new scenario with such enthusiasm. I am having fun for the sake of it and it feels a little weird. I danced more than ever and my confidence is growing all the time. As Karaj said to me last week, there’s no need to force anything – it’s all happening all the time. There was a brief period when I thought I should be more assertive and ask people to dance but after about 10 minutes someone came and asked me and after that I barely had time to sit down before the next woman asked and the next, and the next…

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The Gentle Curve of Progress

Tuesday 16 January, 2001

Got up at 6.20am this morning. As I exercised I was reminded of Dev’s visit and how Karaj emphasised the gentle curve of progress as opposed to the rapid movement of over-enthusiasm. Although the initial stages are gentle (often perceived as slow) the curve is almost exponential. This is exactly the curve I use to describe my learning of the German language. It also describes my personal development process and likewise it must apply to my exercises. It is important that I take it easy. I know this; I have written it many times in these pages, but I have not necessarily heeded my own words. I have so much time to progress and if I rush things, I am likely to suffer from demotivation simply because I cannot continue to progress at the same speed I set off at. There are also the inevitable set-backs caused by overdoing it.

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The Way of Transformation

Monday 15 January, 2001

Got up relatively early (06:35) and went through a gentle exercise routine. My back was stiff and it will take a week or two to make a full return to my regular routine, but it’s good to be back.

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Thought & Action

Sunday 14 January, 2001

Yesterday I had a lie-in and made my way to the house to continue the refurbishment work. Spent the whole day working hard with Karaj. As always, it took us nearly an hour to get into our stride. We made gentle progress throughout the day and by the time we went for a meal in the evening we had achieved a great deal. The meal was the perfect way to finish off the day.

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A Wonderful Way to Exercise

Friday 12 January, 2001

Went dancing again last night. At first I sat there wondering what I was doing there and how the evening would develop. There’s that word again – how – stop it. Relax. The evening was yet another success. I really enjoyed myself and made still more progress. I was complimented too. ‘You’re a natural’ and ‘You’re really good – stick with it’. I accepted these compliments and thought nothing more of them. My own attitude to the dancing suggests to myself that I am good – otherwise I wouldn’t be that bothered with it. As I recognised on the first night with Dev, this is something I can do, and I want to do it well. It gives the ‘be perfect’ side of me the ideal platform to express itself.

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We All Have Stuff to Sort Out

Wednesday 10 January, 2001

One important point from the weekend which I have overlooked. Being in a situation without my teacher I was pleasantly surprised at just how much I know. It is only when I am exposed in this way that my acquired knowledge comes to the surface. This fact will encourage me to participate in the men’s group to the level which Karaj already knows I can achieve. Also, the time with Dev helped to emphasise just how committed we both are to the process. Seeing Dev in the way that Karaj sees me has helped me to understand that I am very committed.

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Choosing Positivity

Tuesday 9 January, 2001

With respect to Dev’s visit and the weekend in particular, I noticed in our interactions that I could not be my usual negative, denigrating self in such company. It is a much more positive and supportive environment. This is a tremendous help to me in altering my attitude towards people, the world and everything in it. I am keen to move away from any negative attitude I have. I have made excellent progress over the last two years but there is still negativity present which is easily brought to the surface in the wrong company. I spoke to Karaj about it yesterday and he told me it is very important that I stay away from negative people. Where possible I can warn them about their negativity. I already do this with my dad and although the intention is not to change him, he seems to be realising the benefits of a more positive approach for himself.

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More Appreciation

Monday 8 January, 2001

Having gone to bed with the intention of getting up early to start my routine, I didn’t. I stayed in bed. I still feel slightly under the weather and I intend to preserve my energy for dancing tomorrow night. These are just excuses, I know. All I need to do is read my account of the gloriously routine period in November when everything was going so well.

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An Appreciative Goodbye

Sunday 7 January, 2001

Got up at 9am. The weather was glorious so I left a note for the boys and went for a walk. This was similar to the time on Brighton beach. A chance to reflect on the weekend and to centre myself. I returned with breakfast. We chatted, I phoned Calvin to arrange a time (kick-off) and we took George to the station. There was a train within four minutes. George expressed his pleasant surprise because his thoughts on the way to the station had been pretty negative. That would explain why we’d had to wait so long yesterday. George had been the architect of his own delay. The train arrived, we hugged and said goodbye.

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Building Relationships

Saturday 6 January, 2001

George phoned to say that his day with Karaj had been cancelled but he was coming anyway. Perfect. We were meeting Sunil at 11:00 and George’s train would arrive at 11:10. He expressed some doubt about whether he would be able to catch the train. I cut him short. I knew he had plenty of time to get to the station; there was no need for this kind of self-doubt. As it turned out he did miss the train. At the station we waited for 35 minutes and he still didn’t arrive. I said we’d wait for 5 more minutes and then we’d get on with our day because if and when he arrives we’ll just bump into him in the street. Sunil had a hunch about which train he might be on and he was right. Within seconds of the deadline George arrived. This was to set the tone for the day – everything would fall into place and the entire day would flow seamlessly from start to finish.

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This afternoon Kuldip returned to the house for the first time since he was advised to find some space. It is good to see him and together the four of us talked about relationships. Relationships are the things which we need to progress. To try and progress alone is far too difficult and when we consider that there is the alternative of mutual support, guidance and inspiration, why would we want to go it alone?

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