Protecting My Space

Tuesday 16 January, 2001

I went dancing. I walked the 4½ miles to the venue and had a great time again. On the way there I had the same thoughts as before – what am I doing? Where is all this going? It seems strange after being with myself for so long with only the odd venture into recognised company, that I should be throwing myself into this new scenario with such enthusiasm. I am having fun for the sake of it and it feels a little weird. I danced more than ever and my confidence is growing all the time. As Karaj said to me last week, there’s no need to force anything – it’s all happening all the time. There was a brief period when I thought I should be more assertive and ask people to dance but after about 10 minutes someone came and asked me and after that I barely had time to sit down before the next woman asked and the next, and the next…

I talked to Karaj the following day about how I could make sure that I didn’t get drawn into relationships with any of the women. One thing I can do is make up a girlfriend to keep everyone at bay. This is a big test for me because I am so used to telling the truth. However, as Karaj says, because the eternal truth cannot be described in words, all social interactions are a lie, and so long as I do no harm to anyone and so long as I make a contribution to people with my interactions, I can say what I like. As we discussed this further it became a challenge to me to change another aspect of my life. If I can pull this off then I can progress towards a situation where I can do the same in all aspects of my life and so protect myself from being sucked into games and relationships which harm me.

This is the essence of creating space for myself and protecting that space in order that I may walk my path. Once I have created such a space I have no choice but to face myself. To face oneself is, by its very nature, an extremely difficult thing to do. And that is why we distract ourselves with all the fuck-ups in our lives. We go from one relationship to another, from one situation to another purely to avoid facing up to who we are and, ultimately, sorting it out. The mind and conditioning combine so effectively that it is almost impossible to change. However, with courage, persistence, determination, discipline and a will to succeed it can be done. I know, because I am doing it.


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