My Resolve Wavered

Sunday 4 February, 2001

Another lie-in followed by a visit to the launderette and a walk in the park. During my walk I decided to go to Calvin’s with Sunil. I know that I wasted energy reaching my decision and after doing so I was still indecisive. I kept telling myself that there’s no such thing as a bad or good decision but it didn’t seem to help much.

My dilemma revolved around the fact that I wanted to be alone. [Karaj: That is the decision.]

But I also felt almost obliged to go along with the men. [Karaj: That is your ‘should’, your obligation. There is no dilemma.]

How can I turn them down when they have gone to the trouble of extending the hand of friendship? Eventually I phoned Sunil but he was already at Calvin’s so I didn’t bother going. I felt some annoyance with myself for dithering about my own decision. We had spoken about just this sort of thing at the Thursday group and here I was changing my mind over and over again. Make up your mind and stick to it. I had decided to be alone this weekend and when the invitation from Sunil came, my resolve wavered. I needed to be strong.


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