I Am Where I Need to Be, Always

Monday 5 February, 2001

Got up at 6.45am and exercised for 30 minutes, had breakfast and made my way to the house. Last night I saw some swans on the TV and lamented that there are none on the lake I pass by every day.  I remembered my time in Frankfurt, my walks along the river near my flat and the joy I experienced every time I stopped to watch the ducks and the swans.  As I walked through the park this morning there were two swans on the lake.  I don’t recall ever seeing them there before.  Whilst I do not consider this to be a misuse of psychic energy, it is a lesson on the sensitivity of the universe.  I had not expressly wished for swans but my thought pattern was enough to produce them – so, be careful what you think.

My feedback for the last few days was waiting for me when I arrived. As I read through Karaj’s comments I sensed that he was losing patience with me. At first I felt that I was being told off but as I continued to read I realised that I have lost some of the focus of what it is I’m trying to do. As with the dancing, I am in such a rush to progress that I am continually forgetting the basics. My perception of Karaj’s frustration with me is a reflection of the frustration I felt within myself as I worked through his comments. It was as if those few pages contained everything I need to know about my life and everything I have forgotten – a summary of the last 12 months in a few paragraphs. Of all the aspects which need attention, it’s the discipline which really needs sorting out. [Karaj: You just need to follow your discipline. It does not need sorting out. You already know what it is and how to put it into practice. Do not get bored by it, that is all.]

Karaj says that I have to sort out my discipline, my guilt and my questioning of my life. There’s no need to question what it is that I am doing. I am in the right place simply by virtue of the fact that I am here. If it were right for me to be elsewhere then I would be elsewhere – I am where I need to be, always. My guilt is a form of arrogance because I am assuming that I am wasting people’s time and that nobody can help me. It is also an excuse to continue to be irresponsible and unaccountable.

My situation and my appraisals at present suggest that I am trying to sabotage all the progress I have made so far. By allowing my discipline to fade, by subjecting myself to comparisons with others and by worrying about my future, I am doing my best to destroy everything I have achieved such that not even Karaj can help me. For God’s sake, relax, Jonathan. Go back to the beginning. Take stock of everything. Don’t be in a hurry to build when the foundations are still fragile and incomplete. I find myself in the middle of the process – a place where demotivation and disillusionment are commonplace. I need to take this opportunity to consolidate my position and strengthen my foundations for the future.


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