Verbalise

Friday 9 March, 2001

5.50 E&M. Tricky at first because I haven’t done them for a few days and there was some stiffness and pain. It struck me that I actually prefer the noise my mind makes to the silence of a quiet mind. Unbelievable really but true nonetheless. This realisation alone could help me make progress with my focus, concentration and relaxation. As usual, I felt much better and much freer after the exercises.

Sunil came over last night. He had left a message and when I returned home and phoned him he asked if he could come round. I responded instantly that it was no problem. After hanging up I started to resent his visit because I just wanted to watch the football and go to bed. As I opened the door to him he looked a very sorry figure. I had no sympathy for him and wasn’t prepared to indulge him in his self pity.

As we talked I was thinking to myself how I could ask him to leave so that I could go to bed, and got myself worked up because I didn’t think I could do it. I started to get a headache. After the game I washed up. I eventually mentioned my headache and we sat down to talk. I immediately began to feel better. What had happened was that whilst washing up, and for the hour beforehand too, I was tied up in an internal dialogue. By mentioning my headache, I made contact with Sunil, broke the dialogue in my head, and freed myself.

I explained how I had been feeling and it felt good not only to talk but to be able to talk about it. Shortly afterwards, Sunil left and I went to bed. There was a slight bashing up because of the way I had treated Sunil at a very difficult time for him but there was nothing I could do about it. I had acted according to my feelings. More importantly for me was that, although it had taken a while, I had been straight with him. This is encouraging for me because normally I am too polite to say what I want. I am delighted to have had the opportunity to break this habit. Thank you Sunil.

I talked to Karaj about Sunil. He was happy that I had not been sympathetic. After all, Sunil does not benefit from people feeling sorry for him, which he himself said last night. Also, Karaj had phoned him before he visited me and he had been sympathetic towards him. I had given Sunil what I could, and although he was only there for an hour or so, he had benefited from the male contact.

It is important that I verbalise things. For myself, I think that if I do this with my problems, it will sound like I am moaning or complaining. Karaj pointed out, quite rightly, that I am not a moaner. I do not complain. Anyway, by talking about how I feel, I can benefit not just my situation but other people’s too. Also, having a dialogue can help to resolve issues or solve problems.

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