Addressing That Sunday Feeling

Sunday 25 March, 2001

The last full day today and it’s a Sunday. I am determined to raise the issue of Sundays before the day is out. I want to talk about them because they depress me so much. I had the chance with Sunil and Dev a couple of weeks ago but I didn’t take it. Went for a walk to the baker’s this morning with the usual paranoid, perfectionist fantasies in my head about how many rolls and doughnuts I should buy. I do it all the time. Relax.

At one point in the afternoon there was a very heavy Sunday feel to the atmosphere. Fortunately we were able to talk about it. We talked about the Sundays of the past when I was living in Frankfurt. I would always leave it until the last minute to go home from Francis’s because it saddened me so. Paula and Francis felt the emptiness after I had gone and then the whole thing was repeated when Paula went home. Every time this happened, all three of us thought that the other two were dealing with it with no problems at all – wrong! We all suffered. [Karaj: Child ego state (TA).]

Our conversations continued and Francis told us that he does have a tendency to cast a shadow of gloom over people. This made sense to me because I tend to have the feeling sometimes that he is not okay. This is, naturally, reflected in my behaviour and worry, which is why I often feel like the child to his parent, ‘Have I done anything to upset you?’. As he talked he gave the impression that he mostly did it deliberately. I asked him whether he had noticed it with the three of us this holiday. His answer suggested that he has not done it deliberately but it wouldn’t surprise him to know that it had happened.

I find it difficult to challenge Francis in any way because he tends not to open up too much, and he is also so convinced of his views, beliefs and practices, that it doesn’t seem worth it. [Karaj: You are in Child ego state. Think about it: in Francis’s position, would you open up to a child?] Moreover, there is the same edge to him as my brother has. He is intelligent, passionate about the world we live in, committed to doing good, he knows just what he is saying, and has a level of cynicism which falls between healthy and self-destructive.

There is still something between us which doesn’t feel quite right. I have often had the feeling while I have been here that we communicate better in our letters than we do in person. In many ways I have experienced feelings similar to the ones I had with my brother in Prague. I left Prague with the impression that we hadn’t got as close as I had expected. I had expected more talks, more barriers to come down and that we would share more. It didn’t happen in Prague and it hasn’t happened in Frankfurt. Relax. Remember the foundations – they are vital for the stability of any structure, relationship or friendship, and they take time. Don’t be in such a rush.

[Karaj: You are talking about yourself here. It is your personal belief of yourself and others which is the barrier.]

After we talked together, the Sunday no longer felt like a Sunday.


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