Irritation, Facilitation, Discovery

Monday 30 April, 2001

07.00 E&M 30 mins. At the house I had a session with Karaj and Kuldip. Kuldip communicated his irritation with me regarding the sarcastic comments I make to him. This had been highlighted during last Thursday’s brief exchange when Kuldip decided he wasn’t going dancing. As he walked away, I said, ‘Oi, aren’t you going to say goodbye to me?!’, and offered my hand.

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Calm, Balanced & Aware

Sunday 29 April, 2001

06.50 E&M 30 mins – a short programme. Physically, I feel a little stiff and slightly achy in my joints. Went to the launderette and then for a walk in the park. During my walk I thought about last night’s dancing and about how far I have come. Two years ago I cut a sad and pathetic figure, being given the emotional run-around by Samantha, and heading for more physical pain with my back. Last night I put in a performance of which I can be proud (stay grounded), and it was effortless; I was in control, I was funny, and I danced well. And all because I remained calm, balanced and aware. I have noticed recently that plotting my moods actually helps me to maintain my balance. It serves as an excellent reminder not to get too excited.

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Be Firm With People & Contribute

Thursday 26 April, 2001

06.30 E&M. Spoke to Karaj about his latest feedback. We talked about me being firm with people. This resulted from my comments about Robert displaying his usual excitement for the changes he wishes to make in his life just as he has in the past, only to repeat the same patterns over and over again. Instead of making such comments and thereby letting him off the hook, Karaj tells me I need to look inside myself for the part of me which can make a contribution to him – and to others too.

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Constant Surveillance

Wednesday 25 April, 2001

06.30 E&M. My mind seems to be trying to wear me down with its attempts at negativity. It is succeeding to an extent but not without me noticing. I am on to it and I am relaxed about what it is doing. I woke up bashing myself up for swearing too much last night at dancing. Nice try, mind, but what do I really care what people think? I know I am a very pleasant and polite man, and that’s all that matters. During my walk to the house I began comparing myself unfavourably with my friends. Nice try, mind, but I am a unique expression of all that is, so what do I care how other people are?

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Encouraging Me To Face It

Monday 23 April, 2001

06.15 E&M. A full program this morning. My mind was trying to tell me that I am no longer making progress but I reminded myself that every time I exercise I am simply laying the foundations for future progress, and that there had been a definite shift at the weekend towards a more flexible body and a more mature attitude. Relax.

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Different Ways of Supporting Each Other

Saturday 21 April, 2001

07.00 E&M. I felt anxious this morning because it was clear that we were not going to leave for the house as early as I had wanted. My anxiety turned to frustration with Dev and Robert until I realised that it had all been brought on by my failure to verbalise my desired departure time to them. As we arrived at the house, Leon was already there, as were Sunil and Earl.

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Friday 20 April, 2001

06.45 E&M. During my walk to the house I reflected on the time a few weeks ago when I was getting a bollocking or two from Karaj and I felt that things were just getting too much for me. The reprimands and warnings I received at that time served to shake me out of my self-pity. The changes which have occurred since then have been dramatic but also gradual, and involve self-parenting. I have begun to look after myself and be aware of myself more, my discipline has come back into focus and I am recognising many of the triggers which cause me so many problems. Self-parenting is not just helping me to learn and grow, it is helping me to grow up.

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The Mind’s Algorithm

Thursday 19 April, 2001

06.30 E&M. One important insight which I had whilst I was still half asleep was that I caught my mind going through its search program looking for negatives from last night. I was astounded to discover this because it means that even before I am fully conscious, I am looking for ways to bash myself up – unbelievable. What’s just as revealing is that my mind didn’t find any negative points about me from the previous evening.

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Manual Intervention

Monday 16 April, 2001

06.00 E&M. The routine felt very good this morning – hardly any discomfort. As I got out of bed, however, the first thought I had was that I can’t do whatever I have to do today. I was shocked by the automatic nature of this thought and also by the fact that I didn’t even know what the day held for me.

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Look Inside

Sunday 15 April, 2001

06.00 E&M. During my walk in the park I realised something about my observation skills. Sunil has said to me before that I can do it, I just don’t know that I can. The trick is to assume that I can and that my observations are accurate. What hit me this morning is that when I try to observe people I am looking outside for the clues when I should be looking inside. It is my feelings which provide me with the evidence. That is why it so important to observe myself in a peaceful state of rest, so that when that peace is disturbed I know exactly when and by how much.

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A Gentle Realisation

Friday 13 April, 2001

06.00 E&M. It didn’t take much for me to get up this morning and even with a stiff back from yesterday’s exertions I enjoyed the exercises. It was as if yesterday, with all it’s positive points, would have meant nothing had I not made it out of bed this morning. In fact it occurred to me that I have had an excellent week and the discipline of my exercises has played a huge part in that. It puts a high-class finish on whatever I do.

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If I’m Tired, Move

Thursday 12 April, 2001

06.00 E&M. Feeling very tired today and my knees are hurting. Don’t give up. Karaj suggested that we do some physical work. I agreed because I know what’s good for me but all the while we discussed the plans for the day my head was saying nothing but ‘sleep, sleep, sleep…’. I wondered where the energy was going to come from to do the jobs of the day.

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Relax & Be Vigilant

Tuesday 10 April, 2001

06.10 E&M. I felt tired this morning and I felt pain in most of my body. This was demoralising to an extent but it was nothing more than my mind and body conspiring to get me back to bed. I persevered and will not be defeated. I still feel tired now but Karaj told me yesterday that it is important that I keep my energy levels up. I notice that if I simply smile to myself I can boost my energy. Add to that the cessation of internal dialogues and I have two effective ways of remaining powerful.

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Be With Them Intensely

Monday 9 April, 2001

06.15 E&M. Very thankful that I managed to get out of bed this morning. It was touch and go at one point but I knew I had to do it. Once I had made it onto my feet everything else was a breeze. The hardest thing of all is to get up and make a start.

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