Taking Stock

Wednesday 4 April, 2001

Arrived at the house to find my latest feedback (29.03 – 02.04). Whilst it has not depressed me reading Karaj’s comments, it has confirmed to me what I have said to Dev since his arrival yesterday evening: that everything seems like such hard work at the moment. I told Dev a couple of times yesterday that the men’s group on Thursday does not have the attractions it used to have. The sessions are becoming more like the tough training sessions I used to endure when I played football. They are very hard work, but necessary if I am to be fit enough to play, and are really only enjoyable once they are over. It all feels so heavy. It makes me weary but it does not get me down.

Spoke to Karaj this morning. He said that my comparisons and mind fantasies have become a real danger to my progress. If I don’t stop it I will fuck everything up. He told me to not give anything of myself away. This is difficult for me because it means breaking the habit of a lifetime; breaking the conditioning. I have considered it only fair and human to share something of myself with people. However, having realised, with help from Karaj and Dev, that I do it for compliments, to feel good about myself and to impress others, I am now in a better position to do something about it. Dev explained that frivolous conversation also helps to filter out the sort of serious people I should be avoiding anyway.

  • Karaj also told me, and Dev reiterated the fact, that I need to always come back to my very own evidence (appraisals) for proof that I AM DOING VERY WELL.
  • I feel overloaded – there seems so much to remember. [Karaj: There is nothing to remember. You are good.]
  • I start too many sentences with ‘Yeah, but the problem is…’. Stop it.
  • Stay balanced.
  • Talked to Karaj about my feelings of being overwhelmed. There is no need for this. All I need to do is to relax and enjoy my life and enjoy where I am now. Be frivolous – for the sake of it.
  • Own my own space. It is important that I own what I have done in this house and in this garden, and anywhere where I have even the slightest impact. I have achieved a great deal here and it is all of my own creation. To disregard this by not owning it is to disregard myself.
  • Acknowledge the small things I do. This allows me to appreciate the effect they have on my world. Karaj used the example of ensuring that there is always a toilet roll in the toilet. As he said: think of how many people will be wiping their arse in bliss because I have made such a seemingly small effort.
  • Karaj also made sense when he pointed out that when I don’t do my exercises I spend half a page justifying my inaction when it would be easier for me to just do the exercises.
  • With respect to my comments about there being so much to remember Karaj stopped me in my tracks and told me that there is only one thing to remember: I don’t owe anyone anything and nobody owes me anything.
  • He also said that I have no need for compliments just as I have no need for people’s negative comments about me. Regardless of what people say to me, whether it’s good or bad, what I need to do is go inside myself and look at my evidence. The evidence I have about who I am is all I need.
  • We talked about how I now consider the men’s groups to be hard work where they used to be fun. I used to approach them with relaxed and comfortable curiosity. Karaj told me to relax and rediscover my curiosity.
  • One more thing. Don’t try and understand, don’t analyse; these things are mind fucking (MF). Just do things for the hell of it.

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