Taking Back Control

Friday 6 April, 2001

07.40 E&M. Enjoyed breakfast with Dev and Sunil and we made our way to the house. Later, in the evening, we returned to mine, packed everything we needed for the weekend quietly and effectively and drove to Sunil’s. We had great fun playing darts, laughing and joking. At one point I felt my normal feelings of ‘I don’t want this to end’. That’s how the negativity starts and that thought stays with me until the good time ends. This completely undermines the time I’m having and sets me up for the gloomy moods I suffer afterwards. This was a good insight for me: to see and feel that the origin of my sadness lies well before it actually sets in.

After the initial fun and laughter, the atmosphere in Sunil’s garage died down a little. I was left wanting it back and was tempted to force it. I didn’t. Instead I just relaxed and enjoyed the peace and quiet. Whatever I’m doing and whatever is happening I have the choice to be content or not. The silence was just as powerful and just as enjoyable.

Tonight I also realised the difference between trying to resolve my internal dialogue and simply stopping it. Up until now I have been trying to rid myself of any internal dialogues by getting to the bottom of them. I have finally realised that they cannot be resolved and all I need to do is stop them. They will return again and again but that is to be expected. Just stop them each time they make an appearance.


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