Be With Them Intensely

Monday 9 April, 2001

06.15 E&M. Very thankful that I managed to get out of bed this morning. It was touch and go at one point but I knew I had to do it. Once I had made it onto my feet everything else was a breeze. The hardest thing of all is to get up and make a start.

The discipline has really set me up for the rest of the day. Karaj and I went out for breakfast and we chatted about the weekend. I felt emotional when talking about Calvin and his sons. Karaj said that I am touching people’s lives in a mature way so there should be no more immaturity from me. He’s right. As I talked to him I realised that the weekend has provided me with many learning points.

  • I cannot resolve internal dialogues – but I can stop them
  • The seeds of my problems with good times ending, are sown well in advance with the thought that I don’t want them to end. From then on until the good times finish I am setting myself up for disastrous results.
  • My expectations also guarantee disappointment and despair.
  • There are many things which I shy away from when I have it in myself to try things out. With Dev’s invaluable encouragement I was able to show myself that I can take part and have fun. What am I frightened of?
  • Like Kuldip, I get excited very quickly and end up destroying things – very often myself. Remember the balance, calm down.

During the men’s group on Thursday, Karaj had said that my low after Germany was due to me having expectations and also because I had lost energy somehow. Having spent the weekend in the company of Sunil, Dev, Kuldip, Calvin and Leon, not to mention Calvin’s sons, I can see there is a difference between the two occasions. I am not sure quite what that difference is, but I do know that after one I felt low and after the other I was balanced.

In the evening I phoned Dev for a chat and he gave me a clue as to why the latest weekend was different to my visit to Germany. He passed on some of Karaj’s advice – ‘If you are with someone, be with them intensely and then you won’t miss them’. I had been with the men intensely but the same had not been true of Francis.


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