Irritation, Facilitation, Discovery

Monday 30 April, 2001

07.00 E&M 30 mins. At the house I had a session with Karaj and Kuldip. Kuldip communicated his irritation with me regarding the sarcastic comments I make to him. This had been highlighted during last Thursday’s brief exchange when Kuldip decided he wasn’t going dancing. As he walked away, I said, ‘Oi, aren’t you going to say goodbye to me?!’, and offered my hand.

This is what I had written on Thursday:

Although my feeling was to let Kuldip go [and seek some peace & quiet to reflect] as he wanted, my mind stepped in and caused a dilemma as to what to do: should we leave him to be on his own or is he better off among the men? Sunil shook Kuldip’s hand and we parted, but not before I had called him back to shake my hand. Calvin simply wished Kuldip well; another ideal contribution from a man who says little, but what he does say is very often just what is needed.

When Kuldip arrived at the house this morning we didn’t shake hands. As it turned out we were both irritated with each other. Karaj told me that regardless of my mood, I am in charge here and if I want to shake hands then I make the first move.

Asked for my feelings after hearing about Kuldip’s irritation with me, I paused. My initial thought was about Thursday but I looked instead for a reaction to what Kuldip had just said – something from the present and not the past – but I felt nothing. Eventually, Karaj ‘rescued’ me by asking for my learning point. Again, I thought of Thursday and how I had allowed my initial, gut feeling to be overridden by the confusion created by my mind. (Here is another example.) I felt that my sarcastic comment to Kuldip had been caused by my own frustration with myself at not knowing what to do. This is something I do. When I am uncomfortable with a situation and cannot verbalise my feelings I react with sarcasm. Stop it!

Also, stop looking for something else when I already have the obvious. Stay with the obvious. The reason a particular answer or solution or explanation is obvious is because it is probably the right one. Remember this.

My learning points are:

  • Stop being sarcastic
  • Go with my initial feeling
  • Go with the obvious – that’s why it’s obvious
  • Verbalise my issues

I talked about how I had felt on Thursday and with Karaj’s facilitation we talked the issue through. It really cleared the air. It turns out that Kuldip had put me on a pedestal, in order that he could play the subordinate role, and also undermine me. Karaj reiterated a warning he had made to me some time ago to watch out for the other men. Because of my close work with Karaj, they will try to undermine me. Be aware.

After the session, we had lunch together and then set about doing the garden. We mowed the lawn, cleaned the pathways, and trimmed the hedges. It was a lovely way to spend the afternoon. We worked well – as Karaj pointed out, we make things look easy – and I enjoyed Kuldip’s company after we’d had our talk together. I really felt much freer than I had upon his arrival only a few hours previously. After our work, Kuldip invited us for a meal, which I thoroughly enjoyed. In the restaurant I talked about the programme from last night and Karaj told me that he is training me for similar work in the field of conflict resolution. I felt satisfied and encouraged with this statement because it seems that I am, at last, finding something which holds great interest for me; a focus towards which I can work.


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