Trying to Hide Away

Thursday 31 May, 2001

6.00 E&M 60 mins. Since the fasting weekend I much prefer to be hungry than full. Not only do I feel better for it, I look better for it and my aches and pains are better for it. I feel as though I am making great progress with my back. The combination of the new exercises, the new diet and eating habits (eating slowly), and the improved posture is working extremely well. Relax. Don’t get excited. Don’t overdo it.

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Calmly Assured

Wednesday 30 May, 2001

6.00 E&M 60 mins. Good, disciplined exercise and very calm meditation (15 mins). When the alarm went I considered having a lie-in and even leaving the exercises until this evening. However, as soon I actually made the decision to get up, I immediately woke up and was ready. Important learning point: be decisive.

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The Fasting is Over

Monday 28 May, 2001

6.00 E&M 55 mins. A little tired but the exercises went well. The meditation was pretty normal, nothing too inspiring and besides, it was about time for breakfast (distraction). Having had some diluted multivitamin fruit juice when I got up in order to ease my body into the role of digesting food again, I treated myself to a small bowl of banana porridge made with water, and some toast. The food tasted delicious but somehow I felt disappointed after having looked forward to it so much (expectation!). In addition, something about consuming food didn’t feel quite right. It was as if I am better off with an empty stomach. After going through so much to empty and purify my body, it seemed a shame to start filling it up again.

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Becoming More Responsible

Sunday 27 May, 2001

In the morning I went to the launderette and for a walk in the park. As yesterday, I felt weak and hungry (from the fasting) but with no appetite. Spoke to Sunil about using this opportunity to observe how my body reacts to various foods when I start eating again.

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I Am My Own Foundation

Saturday 26 May, 2001

8.00 E&M 60 mins. Good exercise. Day two of my 3-day fast. I had a breakfast of one slice of pineapple and some seeds, and then went for a walk. Sitting in the park I felt light-headed and a little weak, with the occasional flicker of a headache. Nevertheless, after Karaj’s words yesterday about my future, I feel as if I have a focus. It is quite a paradox because now that I have a goal to aim for, all I want to do is sort myself out. It has freshened my resolve to grow and develop.

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Seeking The Truth

Friday 25 May, 2001

6.30 E&M 60 mins. I had to drag myself out of bed this morning. I felt so tired and my back ached – I think I did too much sitting yesterday and not enough moving about. Today I begin fasting for three days. Just water, pineapple and pumpkin seeds. I am curious to see what happens.

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I Have What I’ve Always Wanted

Thursday 24 May, 2001

6.15 E&M 60 mins. I nearly didn’t make it out of bed. I was sorely tempted to go back to sleep. At the house I read Karaj’s latest feedback on my journal: ‘When you’re down, you’re down. When you’re up, you’re up. Why resist and demotivate yourself?

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A Focused Mind

Tuesday 22 May, 2001

On the way to the house I pondered my subdued mood. For the short time with Kuldip yesterday I had felt good and of some use. But today I have returned to my mood of the last few days – I feel that I lack direction.

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Changing My Own Mood

Monday 21 May, 2001

Walking to the house I still felt down about things. I have the usual doubts about whether I will be able to make anything of my life. Where have these come from? I began to wish that Kuldip was not coming over because I wanted to be alone, and then I remembered Karaj’s words that I need to be there for people, especially when they are coming into my space. I started to feel more positive about things and could see how being enthusiastic with Kuldip – even if it were initially forced enthusiasm – could help me bring myself into a positive space. Relax. Have fun.

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Tackle The Problem In Front of Me

Sunday 20 May, 2001

Talked with Karaj. Raise things in the group because then I receive the reassurance I need (for my Child) and I get to see the process – how it works and what will happen every time. This means that I will not get down about events… because I knew it would happen… because we discussed it in the group. And all because I raised it.

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A Problem Shared

Saturday 19 May, 2001

The men’s group started with a look at the games we have been playing. I concentrated on my exchange with Aubrey from yesterday morning. Talking about it, initially with Sunil and then with the group, allowed my worries to resurface about the fact that I had not been straight with Aubrey. These were to stay with me for most of the day as I remained subdued and quiet.

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Mixed Messages

Friday 18 May, 2001

6.15 E&M 70 mins. Before I left the house I took Aubrey his morning coffee and had another huge insight into how I fuck around with people. My present, negative state includes a reluctance to have Dev stay over for the men’s group this weekend. Aubrey has been staying over at the house this week and I was keen to know whether he would be around tonight. If not, I could have his bed, Dev could have mine and it would at least give me some of the time to myself I feel I need. Anyway, instead of being straight and decisive with him – which is the least he deserves – I skirted the issue, dropping hints, and putting the onus on him to offer me what I should be firm enough to ask for myself:

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A Quick & Effective Goodbye

Monday 14 May, 2001

06.00 E&M 60 mins. Meditation consisted of falling asleep in the bath. The late nights and early mornings are catching up on me. Out on the balcony after our last breakfast together I took one last look at the seagulls gliding overhead. I was reminded of the feeling I had as a child whilst spending the weekend with dad at my Gran’s. I used to think that being a bird would be better than being me because they don’t have any problems. [Karaj: Birds don’t have any problems? Kids throw stones at them, cars run them over and some people eat them.]

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Looking For Manhole Covers

Sunday 13 May, 2001

06.30 E&M 60 mins. Tired and stiff. I felt as though I was just going through the motions and found it difficult to motivate myself. During breakfast I was aware of staying focused. Afterwards, we went for a drive. I navigated and experienced slight anxiety about one particular road we travelled down. Karaj had said that it was a dead end but on my map everything seemed okay. Some of the road signs seemed to suggest that Karaj was right. I reminded myself of previous advice and told myself that it doesn’t matter what happens. I felt immediately better and as it turned out the route was fine. Karaj later told me that this issue of mine wastes not only my own energy (by the bucket load), but also that of those around me because they are forever having to rescue me.

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