Expecting Blame & Seeking Drama

Thursday 10 May, 2001

08.30 E&M 70 mins. Excellent discipline after last night. When I first woke up I asked Karaj if I could use the phone to phone dad and find out the latest on Gran. He told me to meditate first as I was clearly in Child ego state: ‘Can I phone my dad please?’, instead of ‘I’m going to use the phone’.

[Karaj: Or just using the phone because you are trusted.]

So, I exercised and then phoned, but couldn’t get a connection. So, having read through Francis’s letter again, I decided to write a reply on the laptop but managed to blow the screen by putting the mains cable into the socket for the keyboard. When Karaj emerged from the first client session of the day he tried to fix the computer. When I told him what I had done he stopped immediately. ‘Problem solved,’ he said. There was no point wasting any more time and energy on it.

I finally got through to dad’s number but he wasn’t in. I didn’t leave a message. Karaj asked me what I would do if my Gran died: go home or go to Eastbourne? I hadn’t decided but when Karaj urged me to make a decision there and then, there was really no choice. I would go to Eastbourne regardless; not only is it vital for me that I go, there is no benefit for me being back home. Karaj explained to me that all this negativity – not being able to find the book, forgetting his diary, blowing the computer, my Gran, his wife being very poorly – is a sign that things are coming to the surface. ‘Be prepared for things to go wrong as we tackle our issues’, he said. ‘Whatever it is, we’re going to face it head on’.

During a phone call from Sunil, Karaj told him about the computer and that I had blown it up. He told Sunil that something was clearly going on because ‘Jonathan doesn’t make such mistakes. He is always careful and meticulous.’ It did me good to hear this because it’s true, and it meant that Karaj wasn’t blaming me for what I had done. For some reason I am always expecting to be blamed for what I do.

Karaj dashed to the bank to pay some bills before Robert arrived. He returned with the news that he had been unsuccessful and that I would have to fill out all the cheques, get on a bus to Muswell Hill and pay all the bills myself. My first thought was that here was a scenario where something is bound to go wrong. I felt despondent. The tasks were fraught with potential setbacks (wrongly written cheques, a mix up with the buses, not getting to the bank on time and an irate cashier). This meant that I would fuck up and ultimately get told off or blamed.

I hurried to write out all the cheques in time to catch the bus to the bank. I felt relatively calm but there was definitely some anxiety about what I was doing. With the cheques written I made my way to the bus stop. I made it to the bank with time to spare and, standing in the queue, my only remaining concern was that I would experience problems with the cashier. As it turned out, everything ran smoothly and I had no problems at all. I stayed relatively calm throughout but there was always the feeling that my ‘preferred’ scenario would unfold at any time. I walked back to the flat and as I enjoyed the glorious sunshine I realised that this is my default scenario. It is what I always expect to happen. Good insight.

During my walk I was faced with the opportunity to take the high street or walk through the park. Eventually I chose the park route, but not before I realised that my urge to walk along the main road was because I was searching for the drama I hadn’t had with the bank run. Another realisation: I create drama for myself. I realised that this is what I do in all areas of my life; I am very capable of many things but I tend to view anything I do very negatively and I mess things up in order to have some excitement. Bloody hell. What a waste of talent and energy.

Before we left for Eastbourne, I phoned dad. Gran died this morning. Dad was very upset but, again, I was unmoved. I only felt emotional when I thought of my brother, because he had been close to her. I quickly resolved this by considering the ridiculous scenario that I am upset for my brother and he is upset for me – there’s no need. And besides, if I’m all right then those around me will be too.

We left for the coast, and had an enjoyable drive through the centre of London in the evening sunshine. People in London always seem so confident to me, but Karaj says it is usually more to do with the stress and pressure of living there than confidence, and if I look closely enough I can see the difference. We made it to the coast, spent 10 minutes on Brighton beach – the contrast between the capital and the coast is massive and, although I am always attracted by the atmosphere of London, I much prefer the sedate lifestyle. We cut across to Eastbourne with only one slight hitch of getting temporarily lost, checked in to the centre and, glad that we had finally made it, I went to bed around midnight.


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