Mixed Messages

Friday 18 May, 2001

6.15 E&M 70 mins. Before I left the house I took Aubrey his morning coffee and had another huge insight into how I fuck around with people. My present, negative state includes a reluctance to have Dev stay over for the men’s group this weekend. Aubrey has been staying over at the house this week and I was keen to know whether he would be around tonight. If not, I could have his bed, Dev could have mine and it would at least give me some of the time to myself I feel I need. Anyway, instead of being straight and decisive with him – which is the least he deserves – I skirted the issue, dropping hints, and putting the onus on him to offer me what I should be firm enough to ask for myself:

Are you around tonight?
I might be.
Pause. ‘Dev’s coming up tonight.
Pause. ‘So you’ll be wanting a spare bed?
Yes.
At this point I changed the subject to football and when we returned to the issue Aubrey said: ‘I’ll try my best not to come over
No, don’t worry about it because we can share a bed, it’s no problem…but if you let me know…

I left the house feeling very negative about what I had done. Not only had I not been straight with Aubrey, I had given him mixed messages – in one breath I tell him I want the bed and then I tell him not to worry about it. I wondered how I could put it right but I knew that there’s nothing I could do and the best thing would be just to leave it. As I walked I started to relax and get things in perspective, and towards the end of my walk I was able to smile and understand that this is the sort of lesson I can realise for myself and learn from. Having written the dialogue down it doesn’t seem that bad but the way I felt at the time was causing me to cringe inside at how whimpish I was being, whilst all the time I was powerless to do anything about it.

At the house Karaj was in the garden and when we greeted each other he gave me a hug.  It doesn’t happen that often and it was just what I needed.  Part of the negativity I have been feeling is because of this fear I have of being told off.  When things happen like this morning’s pathetic showing with Aubrey, I feel as though I am letting Karaj down because he works so hard and helps me so much, that I feel I should be doing better than I am. I should be concentrating harder, observing more, being more aware.  I feel like I have let Karaj down.  I can imagine his frustration with me, and I can understand it because I am frustrated with myself.  This is MF!  Relax.

Suffice to say that I feel much better since arriving at the house. I talked to Karaj about how I feel. Be patient. He told me that to learn to keep one’s mouth shut is one of the hardest disciplines of all. It took him 15 years to keep quiet. He also reminded me of one of the best pieces of advice: ‘If you fuck up, just smile and start again’.


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