I Am My Own Foundation

Saturday 26 May, 2001

8.00 E&M 60 mins. Good exercise. I had a breakfast of one slice of pineapple and some seeds, and then went for a walk. Sitting in the park I felt light-headed and a little weak, with the occasional flicker of a headache. Nevertheless, after Karaj’s words yesterday about my future, I feel as if I have a focus. It is quite a paradox because now that I have a goal to aim for, all I want to do is sort myself out. It has freshened my resolve to grow and develop.

Six months ago I would have been tempted to dive headlong into the subject of conflict resolution in order to facilitate my progress and develop my career, but what I took from listening to Karaj yesterday is the need for self development above all else. If I am not sorted then nothing will be right. I am my own foundation. My focus should be to quieten my mind and improve my concentration, awareness and observation, and to strengthen my body – I need to be physically fit for my journey.

I spent the morning thinking about food and how I will make it through until Monday morning. All I could think about was how much time I had on my hands and of all the different dishes I was having a craving for. For lunch I had one slice of pineapple and phoned Francis to arrange a Germany weekend in June. While we spoke I felt the familiar signs of me going into Child ego state. I deliberately calmed down and made an attempt to move into Parent by becoming less emotional, and I felt much better. I see what it is I do with him – I put him on a pedestal and make him better than me. There is no need.

I spent the afternoon weeding the garden. For two hours I forgot about my hunger and my weakness completely. I woke up, felt alive and very strong, and thoroughly enjoyed the weeding. In the evening I watched some TV reasoning that it would help take my mind off my hunger. I felt a headache begin to lurk and I felt as though I had the flu – tired, weak, feeling a bit cold and very hungry, although I don’t really have much of an appetite.


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