Becoming More Responsible

Sunday 27 May, 2001

In the morning I went to the launderette and for a walk in the park. As yesterday, I felt weak and hungry (from the fasting) but with no appetite. Spoke to Sunil about using this opportunity to observe how my body reacts to various foods when I start eating again.

At the house I talked to Karaj about how easy it is to forget my hunger and weakness when I have a focus. Even the smallest thing will do. This afternoon’s shopping trip with Karaj or a simple conversation sufficed. It shows the power of the mind that, given the slightest opportunity, it can gnaw away at me, convincing me that I am weak, hungry… or anything it wants to. This experience also shows how powerful physical work, or movement of any kind, can be in quietening the mind.

It’s amazing how much time and energy is expended on food. Yesterday, for instance, it dawned on me just how bored I might end up being this weekend because I did not have to buy, prepare, cook, eat or digest food. Or clear up afterwards. That worried me a little because I thought I might end up with too much time to think about how hungry I was. There was also the example of Aubrey on Friday in the pub. He spent time and energy determining what he was going to eat, where he was going to eat it, and when he was going to eat it. I’d had no such dilemma.

Somehow, despite my hunger (which disappears when I am focused) and my intermittent weakness, I feel alert, alive, clear, light, mobile – my joints are definitely freer – and I feel I have a stronger Parent ego state. I feel more in control.

Karaj and I talked about me taking on more responsibility in order to free Karaj’s time to do what he does best. Not only did it make sense but, unlike my usual feelings of trepidation about my ability to meet the challenges put before me and to do a good job, I was totally unfazed by it all. Not just by the work involved but also by the responsibility. I am beginning to see the benefits and the pleasures in assuming responsibility. I am growing up. Karaj confirmed this by telling me that he began to see a difference in me in Eastbourne. I am assuming more and more responsibility and I feel comfortable with it.

Karaj talked about the projects which my presence has initiated and helped in:

  • Accounts – this was an enormous help to Karaj
  • Newsletter – Karaj has talked about doing one for nine years
  • Recruitment and selection package
  • Our book
  • Office and Library including loft conversion
  • Appraisals – these have become an integral part of the men’s group
  • Garden – buckets!
  • Relationships with the other clients – acting as a buffer between them and Karaj.

Listening to Karaj speak made me realise the impact I have had in this house and it made me realise just how much I have achieved in the short time I have been here. Moreover, it has all been achieved with seemingly little effort, because this work is so important to me and so right for me. It is just what I have always wanted and I am only just beginning to appreciate that.

I spent half a day with Karaj and I thoroughly enjoyed myself. Having hardly eaten for three days I am more than surprised that I had the energy to even sit upright, but somehow I have felt inspired today. I have felt very different to how I normally feel. It’s almost as if I am experiencing a high due to lack of food; my senses are finely tuned and I have a strong sense of well-being.

20.15 E&M 55 mins. The exercises were very good. My body felt very free and flexible, and all because of the fasting. The meditation was normal. I had not planned to do anything because I figured I wouldn’t have the energy, but Karaj had encouraged me by saying that if I could combine my fasting with discipline then that really would be an achievement. As it turned out it was no effort at all; I enjoyed it and I was able to experience how my fasting has had positive physical effects.


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