Focus on My Sensations

Saturday 2 June, 2001

8.30 E&M 90 mins. The meditation went very well. By focusing on my sensations my mind remained very quiet, and I sat very comfortably. I made a start on strengthening my legs too. During my walk I noticed that I can observe my moods and lessen their effect by doing so. For example, on the way to the house I began to resent having to go there because I had enjoyed having the morning to myself and wanted to spend the rest of the day on my own too. However, by observing and being aware of this feeling I did, at least, manage to halt any downward spiral.

I spoke to Karaj about my mood. He told me to try and maintain my discipline of early mornings rather than have a lie-in like I did this morning. Also, as a ‘feel-first’ person I am prone to withdrawal because that is a comfortable state for me. By withdrawing I can go into myself such that I no longer have to interact with the outside world and I no longer have to be accountable. What I need, therefore, is to DO something to stop my withdrawal. Anything will do.

The opposite is true for Karaj. He needs to withdraw, which, by his own admission, he hates. So, cutting the last section of the hedge this evening was just what I needed and, despite my initial reluctance, I did feel much better afterwards, and I was glad that Karaj had persuaded me to do it. Karaj added that when I do something, regardless of the activity, I should focus on my sensations. This happened this morning during meditation and it was clear just how quiet my mind became as a result.

On my walk home I reflected on Karaj’s words. He was right. I had wanted to withdraw and I had felt resentful because that opportunity was being denied me.


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