The Pervasive Nature of Script

Tuesday 12 June, 2001

6.10 E&M 65 mins. My back is still painful. There is the stiffness across my lower back, and the tightness and nerve pain around my right hip, all of which are more painful and more acute than usual. At times I am concerned that things may become much more painful, like they were two years ago, and at other times I feel reassured and inspired that this could be the final throes of a particularly painful aspect of my script.

During this morning’s talk, Karaj pointed out that because I am being straight with women – as opposed to the manipulative charmer who needs mothering – all hell will break loose, and it is only the procedures and the discipline which will save me. I am a ‘feel first’ person and it is my feelings which cause me harm. Be careful in future. Be very aware of my feelings and their consequences. Feelings are dangerous. Discipline and hard work are salvation and protection. Regardless of the pain I feel in my back I will continue to exercise.

Karaj came round and as we chatted we had more realisations about my back. At the weekend I realised how much of a wimp my dad can be. That sounds hard, and that is the essence of the issue. By saying this about my father, I am being disloyal to him, and this disloyalty shows itself as back pain. I am moving away, separating from dad and my back is reacting as my script tries its damnedest to pull me back.

So, my present back pain is not simply attributable to one thing – it is caused by a combination of things. Up until now, my mum has been the focus of my efforts to free myself of my pain, but now the pain is being brought on by the death of one Gran, the worry instilled by another, my relationship with Arun, and my separation from my dad. Who knows, there may well be more so, RELAX.


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