This Journey Is Hard

Sunday 17 June, 2001

No exercises again today. The four of us – Robert, Dev, Sunil and me – had a great morning together. It was just like the post-group breakfasts Dev and I have enjoyed in the past. I realised that I haven’t been fully present recently and that those morning discussions have disappeared as a result. Today however, they came back and when Robert verbalised his need to contact his wife I gained further insight into the positive effects of verbalising one’s issues.

He was desperate to phone her and was showing the sorts of withdrawal symptoms most commonly associated with addiction. Together, we all talked it through. We talked and talked and talked about how Robert felt, about his needs, his fears, projections, assumptions, and his conditioning. It was such a lovely process and it helped Robert enormously – he felt much better as a result and he didn’t want or need to ring his wife. Not only did he benefit but the rest of us did too. It was further confirmation for me after yesterday’s events that communicating my problems to the right people is of such huge benefit to me and to them.

[NB: The issue was not about denying Robert contact with a loved one. It was about the reasons – specific to Robert – why he wanted to. Had he phoned her, it would not have been for the right reasons and would not have been a pleasant call for either him or his wife.]

We made our way to the house where Karaj, Kuldip, and I had a meeting about the week just gone and the week ahead. The others sat in on it too. I mentioned the similarity between my recent calmness and withdrawal. They are almost indistinguishable, just like, as Karaj pointed out, surrender and subservience. However, it is important for me to be aware of these similarities because whilst it is highly beneficial for me to surrender and remain calm, it is ultimately very damaging for me to withdraw and be subservient.

I enjoyed the meeting and, with the others present, I felt an increased responsibility for the work I am doing. One important point which Karaj made was that whatever I do, it is important that I do it for myself. With the accounts, it is no use working on them in order arrange Karaj’s finances. I am doing them as a challenge to myself and for my own achievement and satisfaction. That way I can own what I do, I can do a better job of what I do, I am more motivated to achieve, and less resentful of some of the more tedious elements of the work.

I left the house intending to catch the bus home but I walked all the way. It was hard work but so rewarding. When I arrived home I felt both physically and mentally good. My back felt a whole lot freer too. So, maintain the discipline. This weekend has been such an eye opener for me and today I really had the feeling that I am making great strides out of my withdrawal and back to the group. It has not gone unnoticed that the wealth of male energy which has surrounded me over the last two days has done me the power of good.

This journey is hard. Now I understand that it has to be that way otherwise we simply do not learn.


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