Detach, Don’t Disengage

Wednesday 20 June, 2001

At the end of a productive and enjoyable day, I lay in bed and noticed my thoughts drift into the future. As they did, they took the rest of me with them. I had to keep returning to the present which I did quite successfully by simply focusing on my breathing and feeling the sensations in my body – these are the things which Karaj talks about. I noticed that dwelling in the moment made me feel warm and peaceful and good about myself. My thoughts tended to move along the time line in both directions – past and future – in an attempt to amplify these feelings but it always had the opposite effect: the feelings would fade. However, they returned of their own accord when I returned to the present.

I also had some interesting thoughts about attachment. As my thoughts dragged me out of the present I realised that it was some form of attachment dragging me every time, and that bringing myself back to the present by focusing on myself, had the effect of detaching me from those external attractions. I had an image of slowly having to unhook myself from all my attachments until there was just me left. I focused on my personal growth and wondered whether I could be attached to that. In its purest form it is impossible to be attached to personal development simply because it is internal and not external – I cannot become attached to anything which is already a part of me.

Detach but do not disengage.

One further thought I had before I drifted off to sleep was about my back pain. I lay in bed feeling very positive about the whole situation. The pain is bearable and it allows me to walk and to function such that I can look after myself. This allows me the opportunity to demonstrate independence to myself, and to consolidate that independence. In addition, my body is in the best shape it has been for years. Physically I am much stronger than I have been for a long time, and my diet is helping to make sure that I am giving myself every chance of an excellent recovery. I am also much fitter on a mental and an emotional level. I tell myself that I will come out of this episode even stronger and more developed than I was when I went into it.

Calvin’s comment yesterday that he could not see how I could find anything positive in my pain, and the talk with Ishwar this afternoon about how grateful I am for the insights I have been given and the lessons I am learning, have helped to show me my own positivity. More evidence of the benefits of talking to people. In the group on Saturday I had felt a little shameful that I seemed to have taken such a huge step back, but the way I am dealing with it has strengthened my belief in myself.


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