Seeing My Patterns

Tuesday 31 July, 2001

Walked to the house feeling much the same as yesterday. I am beginning to resent people dumping things on my desk. Furthermore, I do not feel at all sympathetic towards the other men in the group. Karaj came down and we chatted in the garden. I told him how I am feeling. He explained that when I came here 18 months ago I was disillusioned with my life. Gradually I started to sort myself out and I began to have some fun. Now, that disillusionment has returned and I am no longer enjoying my life. I am causing all this because I am keen to progress, move on, learn more and more. This corresponds to a thought I had during my walk this morning: I realised that, in the past, it has not been the job which has got me down, it has been me.

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Too Serious

Monday 30 July, 2001

My mood is subdued and I have the feeling that things have become very serious and hard work here in the house. This formed the basis of my conversation with Karaj this morning. I am no longer having fun here. I have taken responsibility for things which have nothing to do with me. By worrying others I am undermining their ability to cope and to sort themselves out.

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Family Dynamics

Sunday 29 July, 2001

I spent the weekend on the coast with family. Here are some of my observations from the last three days.

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A Missed Train

Friday 27 July, 2001

I went away for the weekend. Karaj offered to take me to the station. I hesitated because I didn’t want to miss it like I had done once before when Karaj had given my a lift. However, he suggested we leave an hour beforehand and I agreed. Later, Karaj decided that he wanted to have lunch with Arun and me.

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Just Feedback

Thursday 26 July, 2001

I have not published any of the journal entries from the last few days, but here is the written feedback I received from Karaj on those self-appraisals. The feedback is just as effective even without the details.

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A Time for Contemplation

Monday 23 July, 2001

Still feel very tired but I am looking forward to a quiet week during which I can get myself together. I had a chat with Karaj, and he gave me couple of things to contemplate while he is away at his meditation.

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Can’t Take Any More

Sunday 22 July, 2001

Had a lie in but still felt very tired. I spoke to Sunil and Robert about how I felt and about my behaviour yesterday. Sunil had not noticed my cockiness, but Robert had noticed my aggression in the morning before we had even left the house. I simply cannot take any more. I recognised my cocky attitude from yesterday but saw that it wasn’t a result of me feeling good about myself. I simply didn’t care. I don’t care. I can’t care. I am so close to being overloaded that nothing else matters.

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The Group Is Maturing

Saturday 21 July, 2001

I woke up feeling tired and fractious. I tried to hide it by singing. There is no need to do this. It must be so obvious to others that I am annoyed in some way. We had a fragmented and subdued breakfast and drove to the house for the men’s group. I felt much the same as I felt yesterday and the day before; I am struggling to take things in. I feel full up, as if I can take no more new information of any kind. Things have not stopped for me for weeks and I have had no chance to assimilate all that has happened to me.

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Pastime, Delegate & Verbalise

Friday 20 July, 2001

Karaj and I returned from a short trip to find Sunil, Michelle and Natasha in my office. This caused slight irritation. I had some work to do and I saw their presence as a disturbance. Nonetheless I pastimed with them and I suppose in some way I was glad of the distraction. [Karaj: Do 15 minutes of pastiming with them and verbalise to people that you have work to do and do not want to be disturbed.]

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Methodical & Relaxed

Monday 16 July, 2001

Today has been a very good day. I am particularly pleased with the way I recorded my appraisal for the last five days – there was a great deal of material and I simply got on with it. My ‘Hurry Up’ driver usually gets in the way when I have a lot to do but I am learning that the only way to achieve anything is to work through it methodically and gently.

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A Welcoming Ceremony

Sunday 15 July, 2001

Another early-morning walk in the park, during which I experienced more of the feelings of freedom I have been having recently. The feelings are accompanied by memories of times from my past when I have also felt free: college, Germany, hitch-hiking. Sunil asked me later in the day what I feel free from? I am freeing myself from the things which don’t work. In doing that I’m taking control of my life. It’s liberating.

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Calmness in Excitement

Friday 13 July, 2001

Another great morning after a group session. Dev, Robert, Sunil and I shared breakfast and conversation together. I enjoyed a chat with Robert about language, in particular German, and how being able to speak another language – having a whole new set of words to play with – increases the consciousness somehow.

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Seeing When The Games Start

Thursday 12 July, 2001

Men’s group. I greeted everybody and reminded Calvin one final time to go first. He did. His Grandmother has just died, so we split into groups to work through the issues. Ishwar and I sat with Calvin and he wrote down his feelings and memories about his Gran. I found it a useful exercise because Calvin’s process supported everything I went through when my Gran died in May: no real feelings of loss or guilt; she had been released. There were also the family games to observe – don’t get involved, just watch and learn. Ishwar and I allowed Calvin the time and space to work and feel, and we complimented each other very well, I felt. Neither of us forced Calvin in any way and we asked some good, thought-provoking questions

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Evidence in Two Conversations

Wednesday 11 July, 2001

George phoned this morning. He just wanted to talk. He’d had a difficult time with the administration for a Germany trip and he phoned me because, as he told me, ‘I know you’ve got a good ear’. Evidence. All we did was chat about various things including his inclination to worry about his ability to achieve his goals (on time), particularly the building work he will be undertaking in the summer. I talked about evidence. I am being bombarded lately with evidence of my own abilities, skills and progress and it is working wonders. George hung up with a smile on his face, feeling much better; and all we’d done was talk. By doing so we had empowered each other.

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